You Won't Feel A Thing
by teamdemonmonkey
Summary: When the worst thing imaginable happens to the Cullens, the consequences send Bella to Utah and Jasper into a catatonic depression. Will they both overcome their own fears and loss? Will they be able to help each other?
1. It Is What It Is

**You Won't Feel A Thing**

**by edward'shappyending**

**AN: I am back! And what better way to reappear in the community as writing -what I think is- a very soul-searing story of Bella and Jasper. Those of you who know me know that I would normally never veer from my canon pairings (even for Jacob). But! I have been reading a lot of fics lately and I must say that I am quite impressed with some of the stories that are non-canon pairings. For those of you who are looking for something, I am hopelessly addicted to Leaves of Grass by Nauticalmass. She is truly, truly genius. The story gets it's name from a song by The Script, one of my favorite bands. **

**The chapter titles are song titles for my little writing soundtrack for this. This one is It Is What It Is by Lifehouse. **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the master of all things wonderful... including these characters... I'm just borrowing them.**

* * *

><p>Chapter One: It Is What It Is<p>

BPOV

I've come to a decision that the world seems much more beautiful and mysterious when I'm riding in a car staring out the window. Especially when Edward is driving. I have had a lot of time lately to come to this conclusion. There is something magical about watching all the colors of the passing world blend together until all you see is streaks of green with flashes of brown or pink or yellow. There used to be a time when I didn't even pay attention to the world outside the car, when I just stared at Edward; his face, his hands, his eyes.

Now I almost want to laugh thinking about it.

Edward and I have been drifting apart recently despite tiring efforts on my part to stop him. After the accident a year ago, Edward started disappearing from my side during the night. Then he would be gone for days. Sometimes weeks. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he just told me that he was comforting Jasper. I didn't argue with that until I was talking to Jasper one day -an odd occurrence for me but he was my best friend's husband- and I said that it must be nice to have Edward around to ease the pain without having to voice his agony. That was when Jasper gave me the strangest look and said that he hardly ever saw Edward anymore. Then his face became dark and he stormed away, back up to his room and slammed the door. It was then that I realized that Edward was lying to me.

And if I was being honest with myself, I wasn't the most supportive person on the planet after losing Alice. Her loss made me feel like I was waking up in a world where nothing good ever happened. I became silent and somber, always thinking about her. So I wasn't completely surprised when I would wake up in the middle of the night and Edward was missing. After a while though, I noticed that he was different. He didn't seem to care about me. When we kissed -which was becoming rarer and rarer- it was like kissing a statue: completely unresponsive. It finally occurred to me that losing Alice wasn't the reason he was disappearing from my life like smoke in the wind.

Something else was holding his attention.

Now, as I looked over at him behind the wheel of the car, I felt the pang of hurt that I was trying to accustom myself to. I had thought that our feelings for each other would have brought us closer after our shared loss. But Edward disappeared more often and longer now than he did before. I knew where we were going now. And even though we've been growing apart, I can't stop the small hole in my heart from burning at the edges, getting bigger. I was attached to Edward. In a way more than just my love for him. I needed Edward. I needed the feel of his icy, smooth skin against mine, his golden eyes dazzling me, his sweet breath against my lips before we were about to kiss. I couldn't live without Edward. I had tried...

And failed.

He pulled the car off the highway toward the Cullen house. Despite my growing pain, I couldn't but feel a little surprised at his choice of location. I was sure he was going to take me home or to the woods and leave me there, like he did last time. I never imagined he would do it with an audience. He must not trust me to make it home this time, to get lost again. He was probably right. He pulled up the drive and parked in the garage. Then, he got out, opened my door for me and lifted me into his arms. And suddenly we were running, past the house, past the trees. When he finally stopped, I was in the middle of the forest. Perhaps he hadn't expected to have an audience at the house and this was just out of earshot? He set me down gently, a last, bitter attempt to be civil. Then he faced me. I stared at the ground just in front of his shoes.

"Bella... I need to apologize to you. My behavior this past year has been horrible." I looked up at his eyes, unwillingly hoping that I was wrong, that he hadn't brought me here to leave me. "Alice's loss... I know how much it must hurt you, still. And I was not there for you, did not comfort you when you needed me most. And for that I apologize profusely." I stared into his eyes until he looked away, at a tree trunk somewhere to his left. "But I can no longer continue living a charade. I cannot keep stringing you along like a rag doll that a child has grown out of but does not want to let go of. My feelings towards you have changed and I can no longer continue to try and give you what you want and be happy myself." That small piece of hope that I mistakenly let myself feel suddenly ripped my chest apart. I wasn't wrong.

"Who is she?" My voice was hoarse, weaker than I wished it was. Edward did not dance around the question.

"Tanya." I closed my eyes and tears sprung in them. My throat began to burn with repressed sobs. "She knew Alice as intimately as I did. She needed comfort and it turned out that we could both comfort the other. I didn't intend for it to turn into more, to develop feelings for her. But I did." My shoulders shook with the effort it took to not cry. I cleared my throat and then bit my lip until I found my voice was steadier.

"It would have been nice if you had given me a chance to try," I said bitterly.

"I was just trying to help my family," he said, voice breaking with repressed anger. "I hardly expected that it would become more. I don't know why you are so angry! I am just doing the right thing and stop trailing you along and making promises to her that I cannot keep! Any self-respecting gentleman would do the same." I looked at him, tears filled in my eyes but refusing to fall, jaw set.

"No gentleman leaves their mate because it's better for the other woman," I said harshly. His face darkened with rage. I thought for a moment, he would come at me and then kill me. But he only hissed and then the next thing I knew he was gone.


	2. You're Not Sorry

**AN: Thank you so much everyone for the reviews and alerts. I am truly flattered. **

**I need to dedicate this chapter to Mr. Ending. The plot of this story is leaving him upset. He is a marriage therapist and takes affairs very seriously, as you should. He's having a hard time with my writing about it but refuses to tell me not to write. So I need to tell Mr. Ending that I love him very, very, very much. **

**This chapter's song title is by Taylor Swift. I also wrote while listening to **_**Through the Mist**_** by Piano Soulos on .**

**Disclaimer: Once upon a time, a woman wrote an amazing series that has taken the world by force like a hurricane… that was not I. **

Chapter Two: You're Not Sorry

BPOV

I stood there for several minutes before pulling myself together. I could not afford to mourn the loss of my one great love right now. I was alone, in the middle of the forest, with no idea where to go from here.

Literally.

I started to stumble my way through the underbrush, tripping over roots of the massive trees I was trying to see past. The déjà vu made me laugh bitterly. Why did it feel like I was always stumbling through the woods after Edward telling me he didn't want me? Maybe because I was. The brief view of sunshine gave me my heading. I tried to tell where it was in the sky and get my bearings in relation but it was no surprise when I started to feel myself walking on a perceptible incline. If we had been close to the Cullen's house, I should have been there by now. The fact that I wasn't only confirmed my suspicions that I was lost. Hopelessly. I stepped on a rock, preparing to hoist myself up, but slipped on the slick, mossy surface and fell, knee scraping against the rough edges of the rocks, breaking skin. I landed on my tailbone with a thud. I felt sick and then I noticed the stinging pain of my new scrapes and cuts.

It was at this point that I could no long hold in the agony that I had been trying to contain. I set back, pulling my knees up to my chin, ignoring the pain that shoots through my legs as I do so. The tears were waiting to come and need no formal invitation now to begin pouring down my cheeks. Sobs rise from my too-pressured lungs and rack my entire body with their escape from my throat. I rest my forehead on my knees and give in to the pain completely. That small hole in my chest has ripped me completely open and it is almost as if I can feel the chill of the mist I am sitting in on my wounded heart. I try not to remember my favorite times with Edward. I pretend that I've been knocked unconscious and when I woke up, I have no idea who Edward is, what he meant to me. But my attempts at deception are unsuccessful. I end up dwelling on the first time that Edward kissed me; his slow, careful approach; the feel of his cold, hard lips moving against mine; the way his breath felt on my lips. These memories made my tears fall in torrents, soaking my jeans.

A branch snapping jolted me out of my agonizing thoughts. My head shot up and I saw Jasper standing a few feet away from me. His eyes were black with dark, defined circles under them. They made his already pale skin seem whiter somehow. His hair was windswept from running and he was looking at me, not breathing. I looked down at my legs and realized I was still bleeding freely from where the rock had one the fight against my legs. I managed to feel a flicker of worry and fear as I realized that I was in prime condition to undo all of Jasper's self-control. I watched as he moved towards me and I felt my fear increase, felt my heartbeat accelerate, pounding so loud that it was surely a siren call to his thirst. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would be quick, that I wouldn't even realize when it happened.

I felt an arm under my knees and another around my back. Suddenly I was in the air and we were flying through the trees. I looked up into Jasper's face but he didn't meet my gaze. His jaw was set and a small frown played on the corner of his lips. We slowed down a few yards from the house and he walked at human speed the rest of the way. Esme, Emmett and Rosalie came outside the house and ran –at human speed, I noticed- over to us. Carlisle was at the hospital. I felt a sense of expectancy I couldn't place. My heart ached as I realized that I was half expecting Alice to come out and tell me that my future wasn't ruined by Edward's betrayal. My tears began anew as I felt the pain of loss. Jasper's chest spasmed and I noticed that he was looking at me with understanding and agony of his own reflecting in his eyes. He looked at me like I was the only one who felt the same that he did. And maybe I did. I knew that Alice wasn't any closer to Emmett and Rose than I was. Edward was probably her closest sibling. She was my best friend in the world, the only girl I could have a serious talk with because I didn't have to hide my desire to become a vampire from her like I did with Angela. And now, now I would be able to discuss my hopes and dreams for a lost future with anyone.

"Bella, are you okay," Esme asked, hands fluttering over me. She took in my bloody legs and glanced up at Jasper, her eyes worried and confused like she wasn't sure it was he carrying me. Emmett looked pissed. I was guessing that Edward hadn't let on to anyone of his infidelity and abandonment. Rosalie was staring at her 'twin' speculatively, as though confident in his control and yet completely dumbfounded by it.

"I'm fine, Esme. Really, I'm okay. I just slipped and fell trying to climb up a mountain." Esme's eyebrows snapped together. She looked livid, and yet there was still the warm, comforting, motherly glow in them.

"Edward is going to be getting a piece of my mind," she growled.

"Ha! You and me both, Mom. Although I might just throw in some punches and kicks to help my piece sink in," Emmett said, outraged. "No bastard treats my sister like that!" He punched his fist for emphasis, although I doubt anyone questioned his intent.

"Emmett, no matter how angry you are with him, violence will only beget more anger and pain," Esme said, placing a hand on his arm. He glared at a nearby tree and muttered incoherently under his breath. Jasper moved forward and the others followed behind. Esme was offering me anything. She offered to call Carlisle to clean up my injuries, or to make me anything I wanted. I refused politely and said that I could take care my legs and that I wasn't hungry. Jasper carried me up the stairs until we came to his room. When he opened the door, I gasped.

"Oh, Jasper," I said sympathetically. The room was littered with broken picture frames and vases. Alice's clothes were thrown all over the floor and other surfaces. Only her closet of shoes remained immaculate. I almost laughed. If there was one thing you didn't touch, even in death, it was Alice's shoes.

"They're just things. Things that you pay money for. Things you can replace," he said bitterly. "You can't replace a person," he said so quietly I almost missed it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. Then I jumped back, unsure if I was pushing him too far. He rolled his eyes.

"Bella, I am far to upset with my brother –and in general- to care about blood. You can ask Esme, she's been on me to go hunting like fleas on a dog." I watched as he collapsed on the bed next to me and put his head in his hands. "I just… I couldn't save her," he said, deep voice strangled. "She called me as it was happening to say goodbye. I tried to get to her in time but I wasn't fast enough." I watched as his shoulders shook with dry sobs. Tears graced my own cheeks. I placed a hand on his back and rubbed it soothingly. "And then _Edward_," he said, spitting out the name like it was a bad taste in his mouth, "just up and left you! He had you, he had _everything_ and he threw it all away for some blonde slut in Alaska who had it in her head to ensnare him all along. You think I don't know what she was doing? Tanya hated Alice. She hated her gift, her size, her beauty, her wit, all of it! If she was mourning over Alice, my heart will start beating."

"Jasper, I'm hurt, devastated by what Edward has done, but I'm not angry. Not right now anyways. I'm still in denial." Jasper's mouth twitched slightly at the psychology reference. "Please, Jasper, don't let Edward's stupidity make you more miserable. This isn't healthy. This isn't how she would want you to be living," I pleaded. He flew up from the bed and his face was inches from mine. His eyes blazed like fire and his lips were curled in anger.

"Thanks to Jane, I will never know _what_ Alice wanted! Do you think I don't know that what I am doing is unhealthy? Do you think that I don't know that if Alice walked into this room she would scream like a maniac? I do, Bella! I know exactly how different things would be if Alice were here. But she isn't, so _please_, let me miss my wife!" I stared at him, sobs fighting to escape my throat. "_Please_," he whispered before dropping to his knees and laying his face in my lap, crying as well as he could without being able to actually shed tears. I stroked his hair, crying myself.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I miss her too," I whispered quietly. He sobbed harder. After a few hours of our grieving, he sat back and then sighed.

"Feel better," I asked with a small smile.

"Yeah," he said, shaking his head. "I can't believe I just yelled at you and then cried on your lap for hours. How will I possibly have my manly dignity after this?" I laughed.

"You know what I find hardest to believe? You left Alice's shoes alone. You trashed everything else in this room but those." He smiled and shrugged.

"I couldn't be sure she wouldn't find some way to haunt me if I even touched one of her shoes." I laughed and then sighed, looking at my legs. They were a mess of rust-colored dried blood and dirt. I should have cleaned up.

"What about you, Bella? What are you going to do now that Edward's left?" I stared at the paintings on the wall, half smiling at the irony of my situation.

"I think I might go to Utah," I said finally.

"What's in Utah?" I shrugged.

"I'm not sure. But it's different, you know? I mean, I can't afford it, but if I had my choice I think I would go there and learn to ski and start rock climbing or something. I think it's just different from here… I think I need to be different." He stared at me for a few moments, head cocked to one side. Then he stood up and pulled a silver briefcase like the ones you see in spy movies out of the top drawer of the dresser. He handed it to me.

"Here. You'll need this," he said. I took the case from him, confused. When I opened it, neat, pristine stacks of hundred dollar bills smiled up at me.

"No, Jasper, I couldn't possibly," I said, but he stopped me, putting his hand on mine.

"Alice… Alice always kept that suitcase in case something happened to you and she needed quick cash. She always told me that it would come in handy one day. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find out she was right. Go, Bella," he said when I opened my mouth to argue. "Go get over Edward. Go learn to ski and climb rocks and dance and all the things you never thought you could do. Do it because Alice would have followed you to Utah and then dragged you all over the world, just so that you could say you'd seen the world," he said, a bittersweet smile on his face. I stared into his dark eyes and then began to feel my chin quiver as I thought of all the things Alice had said we would do. But for Jasper…

Jasper was losing his best friend, his mate, the person who had saved him from a life of hell, blood and violence. He was losing his other half.

"She probably wouldn't have settled for Utah," I said shakily at an attempt at humor. "She would have taken me straight to the Alps." He laughed and I chuckled sadly, picturing Alice in her snow gear trying to coax me down a mountain on a pair skis.

"She loved you, Bella," he said quietly, feeling my pain. "She would have beat Edward dead for leaving." I smiled.

"She wouldn't have had to," I said. "He isn't worth the effort." He playful nudged my chin.

"There's the spirit," he said, smiling. "You'll write from wherever you decide to go, right?" I was a little surprised he was asking. Today was the most I'd ever interacted with Jasper alone. Then I realized that Jasper wasn't scary or cold. He just knew his limits.

"Of course I will," I promised.

"Good, now go say goodbye to everyone. They all want to make sure you're okay." I smiled and then hugged him one last time. He was cold and hard but when I felt his arms close around me, I felt a little warmer, a little closer to healing than I had before.

I felt like maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get past this.


	3. the Last Kiss is What Hurts The Most

**AN: Thank you for your lovely reviews and alerts. If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like a little more input. Maybe things that you have read before that you liked or didn't like. Things that you wish you had read but haven't come across. I like getting criticism, even the bad stuff. **

**I am not going to lie, I cried during the last chapter. Mostly when Jasper breaks down and gets in her face and then starts crying in her lap… it was emotionally wrenching for me… and I wrote it! So what did you think? Anybody need to grab a tissue? **

**The song title for this one is Last Kiss and also What Hurts the Most by Boyce Avenue. Listening to both songs in that order will make the emotion seem much that more real. I discovered their music on youtube looking for some good acoustic alternatives to popular songs and I fell in love. So you will see a lot of them. And they sent me a message on twitter! Squee! Which by the way, I am AStarDanced. Feel free to drop a line, anything. **

**I also have a banner for this story on my profile page if you want a sort of visual guide I made to maintain my 'voice'. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters that I am about to emotionally torment… probably for good reason.**

Chapter Three: the Last Kiss is What Hurts The Most

JPOV

It had been exactly one year, six months, eleven days, fourteen hours, twenty two minutes and forty three seconds since my world ended.

The pain had not lessened any. I still lounged in bed all day, unmoving, staring at the ceiling without actually seeing anything. Alice's smell was everywhere, stale and fading but not gone. Sometimes I could swear I heard her laugh or kiss my cheek. But she wasn't here anymore. I still spent most of my time thinking about her… about my mistake that had ended up taking her life. Something so trivial couldn't possibly have such permanent and devastating consequences

"_I don't care if we have all the money in the world, you don't need to take Bella to Milan to get more clothes and shoes," I shouted as Alice perched on our bed, glaring at me. Despite her small size, she could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be. Usually when she was talking about designers and all things expensive. _

"_Bella needs to see the world! She needs to see Italy and France and Spain and Russia and Japan! It's up to me to take her to all those places because you know Edward never will!" I slammed my hand down on the desk and it cracked in two and collapsed in on itself._

"_I DON'T CARE," I yelled. "There is no way that I am letting you out of this house now that we know the Volturi want you! Especially after you __**lied**__to me about not coming back from Volterra! You knew that you would most likely die going in there and you did it anyways! If it hadn't been for the fact that Bella is immune to everyone's powers, you would have died! I would have lost you! Do you understand what almost happened? What I almost lost?" Alice rolled her eyes._

"_I am fine," she screamed. "I am not dead, or dying or being hunted by the Volturi. If Jane had her way, she would have killed me right then and there but she would never dare to go against Aro's wishes. I don't even understand why you are so upset! It's just a shopping trip to Milan! I am a super strong, bulletproof, fast, venomous vampire! I am pretty sure I can handle anything that comes along!" I sped up to her and towered over her, feeling her anger and letting it fuel my own. _

"_You. Are. Not. Going. Period." I hissed the words out and growled when she glared up at me and then clenched her teeth. She grabbed her purse and her car keys and headed for the door. "Where the hell are you going?" She stopped and turned to give me a scathing look._

"_There's a clearance sale in Seattle on YSL. I trust that isn't too _dangerous _for me to go to." She stormed out. Seconds later, I heard her Porsche purr to life and tear out of the driveway, scattering gravel in its hasty movement. I hit the bed and then sighed. _

_Why couldn't she understand that all I wanted was her safety and for her to be honest with me. After finding out from Edward how close they had come to being destroyed in Volterra, I wanted to chain Alice to the bed and never let her out of the house. But I knew that was impossible. She was like a force of nature: not to be reckoned with. She didn't seem to grasp what her death would have done to me. I probably would have gone back to murdering humans for sport._

_To try and calm down, I went downstairs and engaged in game of Halo with Emmett, who had been looking for someone to play with for days now. He didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything. _

"_Dude," he finally said, breaking the silence. "Don't break the controller." I looked down at my hands and saw that I was gripping the handles to tightly that the plastic was starting to crack. _

"_Sorry," I mumbled. My phone rang and I whipped it out of my pocket and looked at the caller ID. _

_Alice. _

_I sighed and flipped the phone open. "If you think I've calmed down, don't bother-" I started to say but she cut me off._

"_Jasper," she said and I could hear the sobs in her voice. I immediately went into Major mode. I noticed that something was crackling in the background._

"_Alice! Alice, what's wrong? Where are you?" I heard her cry harder._

"_Listen Jasper, it's too late. You won't make it here on time. I'm trapped in a building. It's on fire. I'm surrounded. I guess you were right. Jane was tracking me and when I got to the building the sale was supposed to be in, it was empty. I didn't realize what she had planned until she had set the place ablaze. There's no way out."_

"_I'm coming," I said swiftly, grabbing Emmett who was cracking his fists angrily. We headed out the door at top speed and took off through the forests toward the city. _

"_No, Jasper, believe me, it's too late. You won't make it here on time. Listen, please, I don't have a lot of time. I love you. I am so, so sorry that I didn't understand the worry and anxiety and pain that I caused by not telling you about Volterra. I'm sorry for that time that I broke my wedding ring and threw it at you. I wish we had more time." Her voice was cracking –with fear or pain, I couldn't tell. I held back sobs in my voice, speeding up through the forest. _

"_Look, please tell Bella that it will all work out. Tell her that she is strong and beautiful and that there is something wonderful waiting for her around the corner. And tell everyone I love them and I'm sorry I didn't see this coming. And please, Jasper, if you remember anything from this conversation, remember this: There will come a time when you will want to move on but won't be able to because you are so worried about being true to me. I want you to remember how much we loved each other and then take that chance at happiness and run with it. And always remember our last kiss." The phone was immediately filled with the sound of Alice's screams as the flames touched her skin and began to burn her like a piece of tinder. _

"_ALICE," I screamed into the phone. The call ended. _

_We made it to the building as the firefighters arrived. I tried to head in there, but Emmett grabbed me and held me back, stun and devastation rolling off of him. I dropped to my knees and felt the sobs I had been repressing wrench themselves painfully from my throat and echo through the night air. I kept calling Alice's name, expecting her to come running out to me and wrap me in one of her hugs. My arms felt empty without her tiny, familiar figure in them. Emmett sat on the ground next to me and shook with sobs of his own. A few minutes later, the rest of the family arrived and seeing us on the ground, gut-wrenching sobs bursting from our lips, they began to cry for Alice also. I could still hear her voice ringing in my head from the call: "I wish we had more time." _

_She was gone._

_My Alice was gone._

And still the pain eats away at me, her words ring in my head and I fall deeper and deeper into the dark world that is my new existence. And everyday, I expect something to get better, some aspect of my life to improve.

But it never does.

Everyday I berate myself for letting our physical encounter be a fight. And I wish more than anything, that I could have known. I wish that I could have gotten to her on time. And for days I went on and on without ever feeling any better, without ever seeing that change, the moment when her prediction for my future would reveal itself. But it never has and it never will because she is the one person that I cannot ever get over.

It wasn't until Edward left Bella months ago that I left my room. When he'd come home and I felt his anger and impatience, I knew something was not right. Especially since I had heard Bella get out of the car and did not hear her with him. I'd stormed out of my room, recalling the conversation I'd had with Bella when she was under the mistaken impression that Edward was spending his time away from her to comfort me.

_I stormed into the living room, murder in my heart. I slammed him into the wall, living an imprint of his body there. My face was inches from his and I was growling._

"_Where is she," I hissed. _

"_I left her a mile south of here. She wouldn't let me bring her home." I could feel his discomfort as he lied. I tightened my grip and clenched his arm. _

"_What did you do to her?" The family was trickling in at this point, alarmed at the commotion and display of physical violence._

"_Nothing. I just told her that I thought we needed to part ways. Then she got angry and went berserk and so I left." I snarled and flung him over my shoulder to the floor. _

"_You bastard," I spat. "Was Tanya worth it? Were all her games and ploys and tricks worth what you have done to that beautiful girl's heart? To her life? And in the name of Alice! You hurt her dearest friend pretending to be mourning her when all you were doing was screwing one of her least favorite people! I ought to turn you into ash, right now." I lifted a fist threateningly but someone's hand caught mine. I looked up into Esme's angry but calm face._

"_Go get Bella, Jasper. Please." I glared back down at Edward. I stood up and turned, then, before she could stop me, I spun around and slammed my foot down on Edward's face. I heard with satisfaction the sound of rock cracking. _

"_You never deserved her," I said, leaving the room._

_I ran to the spot where I could trace Edward's scent. But she wasn't there and I noticed that her scent was past, moving towards the mountains. I raced after her and knew I had found her a few hundred yards away as I heard her sobbing in the stillness of the forest. As I approached, I could smell the hot blood that was running down her legs. I noticed with grim humor that the blood held no call for me. I was in too much pain and angry to pay attention to something so trivial as her life force, something that before losing Alice, I would not have been able to stop myself from taking. I accidentally snapped a twig as I came towards her and I saw her head swing up. I felt her fear as I approached. She closed her eyes and I felt resignation and –strangely enough –hope as I came closer. I gently lifted her and we headed back to the house._

After I had broken down to Bella, I had been able to manage daily life at least once a week. I went hunting and hugged Esme. But my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't help but think that when Bella had hugged me goodbye, a small, miniscule piece of my broken soul had mended itself. And then I'd let go, leave to someplace where she at least had a chance of fixing herself.

I missed her. She was the only one who really understood.

I climbed off my bed and walked at human speed down to the living room. The family –all but Edward who had high-tailed it out of here like the coward he was as soon as I had left –was all seated on the couches and chairs as Emmett read something aloud.

"- Not entirely sure it was the best idea, but my dancing lessons have taught me a little more mastery in the art of coordination than I knew before. I often go rock climbing in the mountains around the house and I think my knees have become so scarred they are strong as elephant skin." Everyone chuckled and I realized that this was Bella's weekly letter to the family. "I miss you all so much. I cannot express how grateful I was to fly in and be met not only with a car, but with a home as well. I feel full of life and while I am not completely mended by the pain I experienced, I feel like a more whole human being and sometimes I barely remember why I was so upset. I hope everyone is well and that you are all behaving yourselves in my absence. Esme, thank you so much for the brownies and jerky. They both taste wonderful. Carlisle, I greatly appreciate the book on basic first aid. I have used it so much already that the binding is wearing thin. Rose, I loved the sweater; autumn has set in and already there is a bite –no pun intended- in the air." The family chuckled again. "Emmett, while I appreciate the lovely lingerie, I am not, as you so eloquently put it, 'getting any'. I just don't feel ready for that yet. But if that becomes a possibility, I will definitely be sure to wear them. Please give the letter for Jasper to him. Take care. Love, Bella." Emmett pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it back to me. I took it and felt a sense of slight uplift in my soul. Bella's letters always made me feel better.

"_Dear Jasper,_

_My dance partner asked me yesterday why I was taking the class. When I told him I was becoming a more complete, accomplished woman to stick it to my loser of an ex-boyfriend, he laughed and offered to come with me next time I see Edward to show off. I didn't have the heart to tell him that no one dances better than a vampire. _

_My cooking classes are finished and I am proud to say that I have mastered the art of Indian cuisine as well as Italian, Spanish and Chinese. I can now astound everyone I know with my amazing Chicken Sambal. I wish you could try some. I never knew that I could express myself through food. I have written a recipe for these cookies. I think they describe where I am in the healing process. They are sweet but there's a hint of heat from the chili powder I put in. _

_How are you doing? Did you listen to me and get out of bed yesterday to watch the meteor shower? I hope you did. It was beautiful. I watched it from the cabin porch. It is so beautiful and dark up here that I could see every star in the skin, shining like they existed just for me to awe over. I like to think that you listen to me when I tell you to do something. _

_I got a care package from your family. Can you believe Emmett got me this slinky, lacy number from Victoria's Secret? What does he think I'm doing up here, going to a bar every night and picking up guys to take them home and make angry, bitter love to them? I swear sometimes I don't know what he is thinking. _

_I'm happy with my choice to be here, but I am starting to feel lonely. I'm up here in the mountains with no neighbors where the nearest town with a Wal-Mart is twenty miles away and I wish just a little bit, that I had someone to talk to. I wish you were here. I always feel like I can take on the world after talking to you. _

_Anyways, I have to go. I have a yoga class at four and it takes me forty minutes to get there. Then for dinner: buttery asparagus with cedar plank grilled salmon –that I caught myself! _

_Please take care of yourself. _

_Love, Bella_

I smiled at her description of what she should be using her lingerie on. I mentally cheered her as she bragged about her newly mastered cooking abilities. I had indeed gotten out of bed and spent hours watching the meteor shower, wondering what she was thinking as she watched the rocks flame in the atmosphere.

I missed her too.

As I contemplated that, it occurred to me that there was nothing here to hold me to Forks. I loved my family, but they did not understand, could not comfort me. Bella understood all too well the feeling of losing the person you thought was the reason for your existence. Her confiding in me her loneliness made up my mind for me. I went upstairs and began to throw clothes into a suitcase. When most of my belongings were in there, I paused. I was staring at a ratty, holey T-shirt from a civil war reenactment in 1997. Alice loved that T-shirt but she never wore it if anyone but me was around. I picked it up off the ground and sniffed it, breathing in her beautiful scent. It was faint. I gently folded the t-shirt up and laid it on the top layer of the suitcase. Then I picked up my suitcase and left. I walked out the door after saying goodbye and got in my car and pulled away from the house towards a better hope of healing.

I heard Alice's voice in my head:

"_And always remember our last kiss." _


	4. Tonight I Wanna Cry

**Dear Readers:**

**Well, you guys voted a UNANIMOUS continuation. There will be a few changes however (I am changing the rating to T due to the fact that Alice was burned alive and other strong emotional scenes to come). But anyways, THANK YOU! The flood of emails into my inbox was a huge bolster!**

**The song for this chapter is **_**Tonight I Wanna Cry**_** by Keith Urban. **

**Disclaimer: Once upon a time, a really good author with loveable vampire characters had a dream and wrote an international bestselling series. Yeah, not me. **

Chapter Four: Tonight I Wanna Cry

Bella POV:

I climbed into the silver Audi that the Cullens had bought for me when I arrived in Utah and leaned my head back against the seat. The small hole that existed from losing Edward and Alice throbbed painfully against my chest. I took slow, deep breaths as I tried not to focus on what my best friend would have said about today's dance class.  
><em>"Bella, if you want to learn how to dance, I can arrange for someone more qualified than <em>that_." _

"Alice," I whispered, trying to hold myself together. Lately, I had felt like I was losing my grip on my composure, my self control. I had managed to keep such a tight hold on not focusing on the fact that I was in Utah without my best friend, without anyone. And if I was being honest with myself, I knew that I hadn't really realized how lonely I was until I started writing Jasper more and more, finding a friend, a confidant in a source I had never expected.

We had been writing each other as fast as the mail could come. I briefly considered using more instant means of gratification but there was something more personal about handwritten letters delivered with the text in his handwriting that made our correspondence seem magical, special. Every letter was more eagerly written than the last, each reply more anticipated. Through our letters I realized that though I had hoped to call him brother, I barely knew Jasper. For all that he was my best friend's husband and a part of the family that I hoped to join, I couldn't have told you what his favorite color was before my leaving.

After our correspondence, I could have told you not only his favorite color, but why he loved it so much. I could have told you all the reasons he fell in love with Alice and she with him, his interests, his favorite animal to hunt, his real feelings about almost any topic. I had found someone who knew me better than only Edward and as the months had passed, I couldn't have been sure he really even knew me at all. Edward could not tell me why I loved to read Jane Austen so much but Jasper could. Jasper's refined and yet rugged Southern charm had made it so easy for me to open up to him. I felt that there was no menial task I could not tell him about, no secrets to keep for fear of his reaction. And in turn, he had opened up to me. He told me about what life was like without Alice, not in the superficial terms that I used to describe life without Edward. His letters made me cry, made the pain of losing Alice that I felt seem inconsequential compared to his. I could not say anything to make him feel better and I didn't try. One of the beauties of our new friendship was that we both understood that the pain we felt was necessary and that the innocent nothings that most people said when faced with a pain they cannot fix were unnecessary to speak to each other.

No one could make me feel so much pain and yet erase all of my sadness like Jasper had. To an outsider our letters might have appeared bipolar and random but the honest truth was that we were both riding emotional rollercoasters and we wrote like we were having a conversation with each other face to face. It was easy to forget that he wasn't there with me when I was reading his letters. Of course, after I finished them, it crashed upon me all too well that I was living a lonely, solitary life. In those moments, I usually threw myself into a new hobby or task. My cooking skills had greatly improved, as had my dancing. I called Esme every Saturday and we talked about gardens and plants. The cabin now had even more perfectly kept gardens than when I had arrived. These temporary distractions kept me occupied and the emptiness at bay for a few days, weeks if I was lucky.

I opened my eyes and started the car. The engine purred to life and I pulled away from the curb I was parked against and took off down the road, not fast enough that a vampire would be satisfied but fast enough that a cop could have pulled me over and ticketed me without hesitation. As I entered the canyon, I hit the accelerator and sped up even faster. I was feeling reckless in light of the lonely emptiness that I could not seem to rid myself of. I wished for the millionth time that I could ask Jasper to at least come see me. But Forks was the last place that Alice had lived, breathed. No matter the pain I was in, I could not ask him to leave what remained of her and come save me from my petty feelings.

I drove through the canyon, numbly passing the beautiful countryside. I turned onto the private drive that twisted up the mountains and into the secluded grove of trees where the log cabin the Cullens were letting me stay in sat. In the setting sun, the logs and stones glowed a ruby color and I parked the car in front and got out. I breathed in the fresh, clean mountain air and felt my pain ease a little. The rich smell of soil and leaves seemed to fill my very soul. I looked at the now changing greenery and felt a little calmer. These trees had stood here for decades, had weathered storms and winters and still managed to grow, to become stronger. I was like a tree in a way. I was trying to grow, to become a sheltering, unmoving force despite the winters and storms that threatened to do away with me. I looked down the drive at the lake that glittered pink in the light of the dying sun. Even if I loved nothing else about my new home, nothing could compare to the sun setting over the mountains and trees. I sighed and turned back to the porch.

I unlocked the door and walked inside. I dropped my dance bag in the corner and kicked my shoes off while simulataneously hanging my keys up on the hook. I had grabbed the mail from the box when I turned off the highway and I sorted through it while heading for the kitchen. No letter from Jasper awaited me and I bit back a feeling of abandonment. My last letter should have arrived two days ago. His letter should have been here by now. Maybe at last he had grown tired of listening to my human dilemmas and thoughts and had retreated back into himself. I doubted that, after getting to know him over the past few months but I couldn't deny that if I were him, I wouldn't want to talk to a weak human who's pain would end in a few years.

I poured myself a glass of water and sipped it, staring at the clock on the wall without seeing it. Maybe something had gone wrong with the mail and his letter had been lost. Yes, that must have been it. I snapped myself back to reality and realized that I only had a few hours to send Renee an email before she worried about me and started calling me and the police to check on me. I trudged towards the huge office that served Carlisle during the day on their hunting trips to Utah. As I moved past the den, I glanced in and then stopped.

He was still and unmoving, a pale statue on the tan couch. In the faint light of the dying sun from the windows, he gave off a sort of ruby luminescence like standing in an enclosed space when the sun hits a brightly colored t-shirt you're wearing, turning the walls that shade. His bronze eyes were staring at me, unfaltering. He was holding an old, ratty t-shirt in his hands and I was briefly distracted from my shock long enough to wonder what it was. His blonde hair, tousled and still the same length, just above the collar, was like some strange sort of metal, glowing in the light.

I could only stare at him.

He stood up and shuffled from foot to foot, awkward from my lack of response, I guessed.

"Surprise," he said with a faint smile on his lips, raising his hands up in a 'ta-da' sort of gesture.


	5. Hello

**Thank ya'll! I just have to say that I LOVED the mail that came flooding into my inbox with words of praise and encouragement. It was a highlight of my week. It has been a really rough week and hearing that you guys liked the latest chapter (my return chapter nonetheless) was a huge boost for me.**

**So, sorry in advance to all of you people who wanted Jasper and Bella to just sort of jump in and get to it. This chapter… well, this chapter is a little unique. And long. You can thank Bella for that. She had a lot to say.**

**Song for this chapter is Hello (I did by the Glee Cast aka Lea Michele and whatever the guy is who plays Jesse). I normally don't write to Glee but this song has always struck a chord with me (it's the piano. I am a sucker for piano). And the title works nicely, don't you think? I also listened to I Dreamed A Dream by Glee Cast and I'll Follow You by Jon McLaughlin (again, the piano!). **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer's characters were obviously well balanced, healthy, sane people…. Er vampires. Mine: crazy, hormonal, emotional wrecks. I am sure she loves me for this. **

Chapter 5: Hello

BPOV:

I couldn't move. Couldn't think. I wasn't even sure if I was awake or if this was one of those bizarre dreams that feels like it's actually happening; like when you dream about waking up and it is so realistic and vivid that when you wake up for real, you can't help but be confused.

Jasper just continued to stare at me. I could see worry and misgivings playing on his face but still I did not move, short of breathing. He was watching me worriedly, as though unsure of my mental facilities.

I couldn't say that I blamed him.

"Bella, would you please say something," he finally pleaded. I looked at him, his beauty, his presence. I could tell he was reading my feelings closely but I don't think he felt anything from me but numb shock. Hadn't I just been thinking about him, missing him, wishing he would come out here and be with me so that I would not have to be alone anymore? And I came home to find him here on the living room couch as calm as can be. Was it true then? I had thought of the Devil, had the Devil appeared?

Well that was just ridiculous. Jasper was as close to the Devil as he was to Scarlett O'Hara. It was just an odd coincidence.

"Bella?" His voice was beginning to sound past controlled. I could tell that it was all he could do not to rush to me. He didn't want to frighten me.

That was all it took.

My knees buckled from beneath. Before I could feel my body make impact with the floor, I felt his strong, solid arms around me, catching me. I slumped into his chest, sobs catching in my throat as I tried to stop the torrents of tears that were now crashing down my cheeks to the ground. I sobbed into this chest and clutched at his shirt like I was drowning, falling away to a dark place I couldn't escape from. And in a way, I was. It suddenly fell apart. My carefully composed façade of disinterest in my position, in what Edward had done to me, in how Alice's death had affected me. I realized now that I had been running, hiding, avoiding the pain of these events and now, with Jasper here, holding me, it all caught up to me and knocked the breath out of me, paralyzing my body. I felt my heart tear open as I remembered Edward's disinterest, all the nights that I had woken to an empty bed, an empty house. All the comments that I could hear Alice make if she could see my outfits, listen to my dance instructor giving me tips and instructions. I could hear her tinkling laugh when I rock climbed, could see her sparkling skin in the sunlight as I hiked around the mountains I now lived in.

I had thought that Jasper was the one who needed saving, that I was in a place to try and comfort him, to help him heal. But the fact that he was here, that he was the one comforting _me_, told me that _I_ was the one who needed saving, that I was in no position to help him. He had left Forks to come save me. He left Alice behind and I knew, as sure as I knew Tanya had tricked Edward into leaving me, that it was because he was strong enough, that he was healing.

I had been kidding myself in my last letter to him. I was not closer to getting over Edward. I had just escaped the environment that reminded me of him. And if I was being honest with myself, I knew that it did still hurt. It hurt in that way that even after a relationship has ended and you realized that it wasn't as good as you thought it was, that the good times weren't that good, you still mourned the loss of a body pressing itself against yours, or a should to cry on or fall asleep on. It hurt because you had lost an aspect of your life that you didn't realize you needed until you no longer had someone to kiss you goodnight, to sing you to sleep, to hold your hand during a sad movie, to hand you Kleenex during a tearjerker, to be your support system and to love you. Unconditionally. Even if you realize later that the love you shared was conditional or maybe wasn't even love, you still missed having someone that belonged to you.

And Alice… how could my body even bear the loss of someone I had a closer connection to than Alice. I felt like I was going to be crushed like a bug to a windshield from the pain of that loss. Not only the loss of a friend, but the loss of a sister. She had been my confidante, the one person that I could go to when Edward was being bossy or grumpy or was refusing to change me. I couldn't talk to anyone else about that. So many things in my life had been flimsy, unsure. Alice had been the person I could go to and have her tell me things were going to work out and to know it. She had been the constant variable in my life and now… now I knew nothing. I was sure of nothing. I couldn't be sure that tomorrow I wouldn't be killed by a sadistic vampire or the flu or that tomorrow I would meet the love of my life, the one person whose very presence could fill my heart with joy. Without her, I didn't even know if a person like that existed.

I realized that I had been crying on Jasper's shoulder for a while now, although my sobs had evanesced into silent tears. I raised my head to stare into his eyes and saw pain echoed in his features.

My pain.

He had felt everything that I was feeling; he knew exactly what I was feeling. He had taken it, withstanding feeling my own agony as well as his own. He stared down at me and his face softened.

"Liar," he whispered. I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

"I didn't realize I was," I said unnecessarily. He smiled slightly.

"I know," he said. He raised a hand to my face and brushed a tear from cheek with his cold thumb lightly and then cupped his hand to my cheek. I inadvertently leaned into his touch. His comforting presence eased the pain now that I calmed down enough to appreciate his company. He lifted us up off the hardwood floor and carried me to the couch. He disappeared for a few moments and came back a few minutes later with a mug which he handed to me and then sat next to me, his knee resting against my leg. I lifted the cup to my lips and smiled as I tasted the hot chocolate on my tongue. I looked at it after I had taken a gulp and smiled at the white puffs of marshmallows in the brown liquid. I sniffed and then sighed.

"Sorry," I said with a half hearted laugh, "I didn't mean to release all that on you." He chuckled next to me and I looked up into his topaz eyes. Humor shined in their depths but the shadow of pain was not erased completely and I wondered briefly if it ever would be. Would Jasper ever let go of his pain and find a happy existence again?

"I sincerely hope that you didn't," he drawled and I felt my lips rise in a smile at the easy, slow warmth that crawled into my chest from his Southern accent. "That would be a pretty horrible to inflict on a friend who just ran nine hundred miles to see you." He nudged my shoulder with his. I smiled crookedly and brushed the hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear.

"I can't believe you're really here," I said, looking back at him. "You didn't need to come, I would have been okay." He cocked an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. "I would have been okay for a while longer. I think it was the initial shock of finding you on my couch that made everything fall apart for me." I shuddered at the thought of experiencing that alone. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I rested my head on his.

"I wanted to see you," he murmured, kissing the top of my head. I smiled softly and rested a hand on his knee, playing with the hold on the knee.

"Jasper," I said after a few minutes of comforting silence.

"Yes, Bella," he whispered.

"How long are you… how long are you staying," I asked, trying to keep the fear from my voice. Of course he felt it but I couldn't hide that from him. His arm tightened.

"As long as you want me here," he said, giving my shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

"I might want you to stay for a long time," I muttered. He laughed softly. Of course he heard.

"Then I will be here a long time." I looked up at him and saw in his face and eyes the fierce loyalty that I had become familiar with over the past few months. My heart fluttered as I realized that Jasper and I had become more than just friends of misery.

We needed each other. At least, I knew I needed him, his comfort. He probably just needed someone to save. I had become all too familiar with his hero complex. I hadn't noticed before if he had one, but I suppose after not being fast enough to save Alice, he felt he needed to save me from his horrible brother. I was only human after all.

"Thank you, Jasper," I whispered as I rested my cheek on his shoulder again.

"You're welcome, darlin'," he said against my hair.

I closed my eyes and smiled, feeling a little piece of warmth wrap itself around my aching heart.

**This chapter was both difficult and easy for me to write. The words, the descriptions eluded me. I couldn't find a song to write to that me connect to her emotions and that was difficult for me, to try and communicate the level of pain that she is experiencing without doing it a great injustice. But it was easy because once I found the song that evoked the depth of the pain and loss she was feeling, the words flowed so fast that I thought I would miss them.**

**I am Southern so please don't make fun of me for the future misuses of grammar that makes my accent so sexy (on him. It's sexy on him). **

**I would also like to thank you wonderful reviewers who commended me on my ability to portray and convey grief and loss. It is actually quite easy for me to do as a veteran of these feelings. I am just glad that I didn't make you want to slit your wrists. **


	6. Imaginary Hello

**To my dear, patient, wonderful readers:**

**SORRY! **

**It was not my intention to leave you hanging for months like that. Seriously. Life basically got in the way. **

**This chapter was SO hard to write. I had so many different scenarios for where the story should go running through my head since my last chapter (I even considered –briefly- a nice Halloween update of Jasper doing Thriller!) and even wrote an entire chapter where Bella gets sick and Jasper takes care of her and Carlisle comes but it didn't feel… there. My voice in this story has been one of the things that I have taken most pride in and I couldn't hear it in this wanna-be chapter. So this chapter is the product of clearing my head and just writing. **

**Many thanks to the new readers! I love all of my readers so much! I wish I could give you all cabins in Utah! **

**The songs for this chapter are Imaginary and Hello by Evanescence. I had to come back and change the chapter title and stuff because the songs I originally planned on using were a little too chipper for this the way this chapter turned out. **

**Disclaimer: I don't even own my own sanity.**

Chapter Six: Imaginary Hello

BPOV:

_I wiped my tears from my eyes and stood up, looking at the dead meadow around me. The dead, brown flora looked like it was mirror of my own heart since Alice's death. I felt cold, dead, like nothing would or could ever be important to me again. I knew that if Alice were still alive I wouldn't be feeling this way; that all these broken mangled pieces of my heart would be better somehow, not the dead mess that they were. But she was gone. Like the meadow I stood in, she was dead. _

_In the corner of my eye, I saw a hint of color move. I turned and saw a flower blooming into life. Around it leaves began to turn green and other flowers and plants burst into life as though waking from a deep sleep, shaking off the dust of a haunted slumber. All around me plants bloomed, turning the meadow into a beautiful, display of life and color. _

"_Bella?" My heart stopped and then began to pound in my ears. I turned slowly and there was Alice, standing amass the beautiful plants, looking radiant and healthy and alive, different from the too perfect Alice that I had known. I ran to her and hugged her, holding her in my arms and reveling in the feel of her arms around mine. I breathed in deeply and then gagged. _

_She smelled like death. _

_I stepped back slowly and screamed. _

"_Bella, what's wrong," she asked in her soprano voice but now I noticed that her voice was accompanied by incoherent whispers that made my skin crawl. Out of her nose, maggots curled and writhed as though in pain. Her eyes were glassy, pale and her skin looked like it was falling from her body, revealing blackened muscle and pale bone. Half of her hair was missing and I could see parts of her skin missing from her skull, displaying the pearly bone underneath. Her arms were stretched out to me and she was missing some fingers. Black liquid oozed from her mouth and fingertips and whatever it touched withered into ash before my horrified eyes. The sky had darkened when moments before it had been sunny and bright. _

"_Alice," I breathed in horror. She laughed and instead of the tinkling bells it used to be, her voice sounded like nails against a chalkboard and ominous whisperings in the dark. She began to decay in from of me and I choked back the urge to vomit. She lurched toward me and I screamed again. I stumbled backwards, tripped on something and fell, arms flying out to try and catch myself. I braced myself for impact. _

_I was standing in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and humming to myself. I looked out the window, waiting for Edward to come back, knowing that I wouldn't see him until he was right behind me even if he did. My phone buzzed on the counter next to me and I picked it up and pressed it to my ear. _

"_Alice, I am not going shopping-"She cut me off and her tone immediately made my spine stiffen in fear. _

"_Bella! Bella, listen I don't have a lot of time." _

"_Alice, what's wrong?" I set my knife down and turned to the door, ready to run to her aid. _

"_I'm in a burning warehouse. I'm trapped, Bella." Her words swirled in brain, refusing to settle and sink in._

"_What? How?" My blood felt like ice water. _

"_It was Jane. She tricked me. I didn't know she would do this until the match was lit and on the gasoline. Bella, I don't have much time and I still have to call and say goodbye to Jasper before… listen, I'm sorry for pushing you outside your box but I have to tell you something. Things are going to change after I'm gone and it will feel like the end of the world, but Bella, it isn't. I know that you are going to want to give up and throw in the towel and refuse to go on, but you can't! You can't because Jasper needs you. He's not going to cope with this very well and you are the only one who can help him. Please, Bella, you have to promise you will help him!" I listened numbly. What was happening? "Bella, focus! Promise me you will take care of Jasper!" _

"_Fine, I promise," I rasped into the phone. "Alice-" She cut me off again. _

"_Bella, I am so sorry," she sobbed. "I know that this is horrible of me but you have to promise me you won't tell Jasper that I called you before him. If he knew that I called you when I could have called him first, he would have gotten here sooner, he would never forgive you. Don't tell please," she begged. _

"_Okay. Alice…" I trailed off. What could I say? She was about to die. "I love you Alice," I sobbed through my tears. _

"_I love you too, Bella. Be strong." The line cut off. _

"_Alice?" I whispered into the phone. "Alice!" My scream echoed around the empty house. I grabbed the keys to my truck and ran out the door. I had to save her. I _could _save her. This couldn't be the end! She couldn't die! I jammed the keys into the ignition and tore out of the driveway. I pushed my truck to its limit as I raced to the Cullen's. This had to be a sick joke, a dream, a nightmare, _anything_ but reality. I pulled in front of the house and jumped out, not bothering to cut the engine or shut my door behind me. I ran into the house, yelling Alice's name. I rushed upstairs and flung open her bedroom door, half expecting to see her at her closet, reorganizing her shoes. It was empty. I flung open every door in the house, finding nothing, while I screamed until my throat was raw for my missing sister. I ran downstairs and movement and the edge of the property made me turn. I ran through the kitchen and out the backdoor towards the Cullens as they trudged toward the house. _

"_Where's Alice," I screamed. "Is she okay?" Esme looked at me and then broke into sobs against Carlisle's shoulder. Carlisle's face was somber and grim. Rosalie had the look on her face that I had only ever seen when she told me about Royce. Edward didn't meet my eyes and Emmett looked like he had just watched the sun explode. He was supporting Jasper who was sobbing fitfully and hanging off his brother like his legs could no longer hold him. It was the lost, life-ending look in Jasper's eyes that convinced me. _

_Alice was gone. _

_My knees buckled and I fell to the grass, sobbing. I heard a thunk and opened my eyes to see Jasper lying across from me, gut-wrenching sobs bursting from his lips and his face like a man about to be executed. My pain and sorrow were suddenly increased tenfold. My heart felt like it was being ripped open. My lungs felt submerged in acid, burning and drowning all at once. My body felt like it was being squeezed through a meat grinder. I screamed in agony and clawed at the ground, trying to escape my invisible torturers. I distantly heard Jasper screaming with me and someone yell at him. _

"_Stop, Jasper, you'll kill her.!"_

"_Jasper, stop!" The pain continued for what felt like a lifetime and then suddenly it eased, no longer the unbearable, suffocating murder. I opened my eyes and saw Jasper look at me in agony. He looked over my shoulder and froze. I turned and Alice was leaning over me, black liquid dripping from her eyes. She leaned over my body to my ear while I recoiled from her. _

"_Remember, Bella; you promised not to tell." I looked down to where the substance was hitting my body and saw my skin curl up like it was withering. She smiled at me and I watched as spiders fell from her mouth. _

_I screamed. _

"Bella! Bella, calm down!" I thrashed at Alice's rotting hands restraining me and then opened my eyes. I saw Jasper's face hovering over mine with panic and concern written all over his face. I looked down and saw that it was his hands restraining my arms gently. I took huge, gasping breaths, my eyes searching the room to see if my dream Alice had followed me into the real world but only my room's familiar features met my frightened inspection. Jasper sat on the bed next to me and held my shaking body in his arms against his chest, sending soothing waves of calm into me until the shaking stopped. Tears flooded down my cheeks as I remembered the pain and terror of Corpse Alice.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I shuddered as an image of the tormenting figure in my dream appeared in my head.

"Nightmare," was all I could choke out. I felt guilty seeking safety and comfort in the arms of Jasper and I knew why.

While the parts of my nightmare that had Alice in them were purely fictitious, the part of my dream about Alice's last phone call to me and the insufferable pain that I had endured upon hearing of her death were all too real, a memory buried within the horror of a nightmare that haunted my conscious and unconscious hours. And by taking comfort from Jasper's arms, I was taking comfort from the man that I was lying to. I wondered if Alice had been wrong in assuming that Jasper wouldn't be able to save her. Did she know or had she speculated that he would arrive too late or die in the attempt to save her?

This last thought made me shudder again and his arms tightened. Losing Alice was enough but now, after learning so much about Jasper, I was horrified at the thought of anything happening to him too. He had come to mean so much more to me than I ever would have guessed. And even now, my mind screamed at me to tell him about Alice's phone call, to tell him that I was the reason he didn't get to Alice on time. But I couldn't bear to cause him anymore pain and I had promised Alice not to tell.

My last promise to Alice.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about," I vaguely heard Jasper ask. Yes. I so wanted to tell him but I knew that I could not. I would respect Alice's final request of me.

"Zombies," I told him, justifying my lie by imagining Alice's corpse and shuddered again.

"Oh." Clearly not what he had been expecting me to say. "And they were after you?" I nodded against his shoulder and breathed in his scent deeply, trying to clear my head. He smelled like old books and leather and wood. It was a smell that I had become deeply familiar with, that brought me calm even if he wasn't around. "Bella, no matter what, I will protect you. You know that right?" His question brought another round of tears to my eyes and I nodded, burying my head in his chest and sobbing.

"Hey now," he whispered. "What's wrong?" I sat up and looked in his butterscotch eyes and saw genuine concern shining there.

"I miss Alice," I whispered, my frown deepening when I said her name. His eyes softened and he placed a kiss to my forehead and then held me against his chest, rocking from side to side slowly.

"I do too, sugar," he whispered. "I do too." I shook with sobs against his body and closed my eyes. Behind the lids I could only see the tortured look on his face against the grass across from mine.

I was the reason Alice was dead.

And he didn't even know.

**AN: Well…. That was NOT how I pictured this chapter coming out. I am always surprised when I go to write with this mental idea of what is going to happen and then I kind of go into a trance and when I come out, there's a chapter there only it's stuff I never would have even thought of writing. Like zombies. I was planning on her writing a letter to Edward to tell him it was pretty douche of him to leave her. I guess her nightmare was a little more important though. Tell me what you thought in a REVIEW! And we have a twist: Bella is keeping a secret from Jasper! **

**Next update: Christmas with the Cullens… how bad can it be?**


	7. Undisclosed Desires

**Dear readers,**

**You know how I keep promising you that I will update soon with this chapter or that and then months pass and you are all left hanging until you can't even remember the story I wrote and so you have to go back and read it all over? **

**Well I am sorry about that! I really, really am! I would like to say that life keeps getting in the way, but the honest truth is that despite the fact that I have mapped the entire plot line out and I know what I want to happen, I find my... I don't know… voice and creative energy blocked?**

**Anyways, this chapter is a little short, yes, but I plan to immediately follow it up with another longer, deeper chapter. I've already written it. I just feel like it deserves its own moment to shine instead of being squashed in here with all this stuff. **

**So, without further ado! The song for this chapter is Undisclosed Desires by Muse (I love Muse :D). **

**Disclaimer: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... wait I don't own that series either! **

Chapter 7: Undisclosed Desires

JPOV:

I shifted in my seat for the fourth time in a minute. The room smelled of sweat and Spandex and I tried not to wrinkle my nose in disgust. My throat was beginning to burn as the multiple heartbeats in the room pumped blood actively through their bodies. The emotions in the room were smothering me. Excitement, fatigue, lust, frustration, they all clamored in my head and mouth, each flavor making me more impatient.

The emotion that I was paying the most attention to was the maddening frustration rolling off of Bella as she picked herself up off the wood floor. Her face was flushed and her eyes sparked with passionate anger. She'd been at this for an hour. Her technique and passion were good but her partner was trying to dance with a broken wrist and was pale and sweating in pain.

"Come on, Bella," the instructor -an odious woman with fake blonde hair and an unnatural tan who I was sure had never danced professionally in her life- said approaching Bella's angry form. "I know you can do better!" I watched Bella's face grow redder with anger and had to intervene.

"Miss Penelope," I said and her eyes immediately locked on me, a wide predatory smile spreading her face. A bucketful of lust seemed to ooze over me like tar and I grimaced inwardly.

"Yes, Jasper?"

"I was thinking that perhaps Mr. Robinson would like a break. He looks dehydrated. Bella and I have practiced this routine and I feel perhaps she might be more comfortable with someone she's familiar with." She looked to Bella who was staring at me like I'd spoken Chinese.

"Mr. Robinson? Bella? Does that sound okay with the both of you?" Bella's partner nodded and shot me a grateful look. I nodded and moved to his spot.

"You said you had some dancing experience, Jasper. Why don't you and Bella show us your routine?"

"Of course. You don't mind if I play a different song, do you?" Bella kicked me and then hissed at the pain of stubbing her toes on my legs.

"Of course not! Whatever you need, Jasper." I followed her to the stereo system and plugged in Bella's iPod. I selected the song I was looking for.

"Would you please press the play button when I ask?" She nodded solemnly, like I had just asked her to have my child instead of operating an iPod. I walked back to Bella who was shooting daggers at me and I felt the nervousness and annoyance radiating off of her like heat waves.

"What are you doing," she hissed at me as I helped position her. "I've never danced with you in my life!"

"I know that," I drawled calmingly. "But you once said that no one dances as well as a vampire. Just follow my lead," I whispered, sending a wave of confidence to her. I nodded to Penelope and the music started. Bella's eyes widened at the familiar music and she smiled at me. I stepped toward her and she stumbled. Penelope stopped the music.

"Sorry," I said to her. "We were off on the beat." I pulled Bella back to me. "Relax. The tango isn't a dance to be thought about. It's a dance of emotion. Passion and fluidity; you don't have to think about when you move, you do so when it feels natural. Just go with it." I enveloped us in a wave of desire and she swallowed thickly. Penelope started the song again and this time when I moved, Bella moved with me, eyes locked on mine.

We began to move around the room and she dipped down and extended her leg in a circle around her. I pulled her up and her breathing hitched as she looked up at me with dark, heavy eyes. I spun her away and pulled her back to me, running my hands up her arms to her neck while her head rested drunkenly on my shoulder. We danced together, her breathing becoming more and more labored as we moved. I lost myself in the emotions rolling off of her, the beauty of her body twisting and spinning. When I grabbed her leg and pulled up to my hip, I didn't need to tell myself to gently caress the soft, fragile skin of her thigh. As her heartbeat quickened, I moved my lips to her neck, breathing in her beautiful scent, feeling the pulsing of the blood beneath her skin on my lips. The music came to an end as I spun her into my arms and dipped her low. She looked up at me, breathing heavily, skin shimmering in a thin sheen of sweat and tinged pink with the exertion she'd just displayed. I stared at her, taking in the electricity flowing between us and relaying it back instinctively.

"Well," Penelope exclaimed, pulling us from out moment. "That was very impressive!" The class clapped enthusiastically and we smiled modestly. "Class dismissed." Bella changed out of her dance clothes in the dressing room and collected her bag and thanked everyone for their compliments as we moved towards the exit of the studio. I helped her into the car in silence and then climbed into the driver seat and we left.

The car ride was silent as she stared out the window. I tried to read her emotions but only got confusion and guilt, which only puzzled me more. Was she angry with me? Was she embarrassed about performing such an intimate dance with me? Could that be it? I suddenly felt angry with myself for pushing her so far. At the time, it seemed like I was helping her, proving that she knew what she was doing. Now as I sat in the silence of the car, I realized that perhaps she didn't want her abilities exploited in the form of a dance that many people had described as foreplay on the dance floor.

I looked over at her again and this time my eyes met hers. I stared in to the chocolate brown pools of emotion, trying to gauge what she was feeling now. Her face was conflicted, part affection, part guilt. Why? I thought about our dance, remembering the feel of my hands moving over her overheated skin as we danced. I remembered her lithe movements, her shallow breathing. She'd ignited a fire within me, the feeling of life that I hadn't felt since Alice had been alive.

Oh God.

Alice.

I was suddenly crushed with self loathing. How could I have been so close to Bella, so _connected_ to her after Alice? Dancing was something Alice and I had shared; a form of therapy she had introduced, the first thing she had done with me that had healed my torn and blackened soul after Maria's lies and bloodbath. To betray her memory of our life together so _frivolously_, so uncaringly made me feel sick.

I looked back to Bella but her head was turned from me. I smelled the saltiness of her tears and watched her shoulders shake slightly from her repressed sobs. More guilt descended on my heart as I realized now how much I had hurt her in my hasty and selfish actions. I had put her in the position of betraying her best friend, a sister even.

My correspondence with her had taught me one thing above all others: Bella loved Alice deeply, with intensity above normal human emotion. Her loyalty and attachment to Alice hadn't dissipated, even after all the time that had passed. Her grief was still one of her dominant emotions and her nightmares had become so frequent and crippling that I had been laying in bed with her at night for the past three months, crooning poetry and classic literature to her to help her sleep easier. This action helped her to remain calm or to calm her down when the horrors of her subconscious became too much to bear.

How foolish I had been! I should have realized the implications of my actions and the consequences of making her feel such strong, passionate emotions about the man her best friend was married to. What kind of sick, sadist was I that had made her feel amorous and lustful after me, her new best friend and the widow of her former best friend? I had to make it up to her but I didn't know how I could fix this. She didn't talk to me about her feelings and that hurt because I obviously knew she had them, experienced them with her, I didn't know why she felt what she did. Why was her grief always mingled with guilt? Was it simple survivor's guilt or something more?

If I was being honest with myself, I couldn't completely regret my actions tonight. Their consequences, yes: I hated that I had hurt Bella so impulsively. But I honestly cared deeply for Bella. And while my ability to open myself up to the possibility that Alice was actually correct as usual, I couldn't relinquish my love for her enough to consider the future and the possibility that Bella might become a more permanent fixture in it. I knew that I would be devastated if I lost her, much like Alice, but there was only one soul mate and mine had died in a fire. But tonight, watching Bella get angry and frustrated when I knew as well as she did that she had the ability to perform that entire dance on a professional level was so adorable and I wanted to be the one who helped her showcase her talent, her ability. I didn't want it to be that bumbling human of a boy -often reminding me of Mike Newton -who couldn't even bear to let her down and suffered through the pain to let her dance. I wanted it to be me and the tango is such a deeply personal dance that I didn't want her feeling any of those things with him. He didn't know her like I did! He didn't calm her down when her nightmares became too much to bear and fear paralyzed her; I did.

So as I listened to her tears slide down her silky cheeks, I knew that while I regretted hurting her, I didn't regret that she and I had shared something so personal.

I would make this up to her.

I had to.

**So at last we discover that Jasper isn't just being friendly out of platonic obligation! And that tango… I tried to be as descriptive as possible without becoming so technical that it took away the magic of the tango. I used lots of videos on youtube to help me out and if you guys want to see something similar to what I was using, search for Derek Hough, DWTS, or Julianne Hough. Those were my favorites.**

**Just a heads up you guys, I'm going to be publishing some fics for other fandoms soon and while I doubt you are all familiar with them all, I would love it if you guys checked them out. I have a Stargate:Universe oneshot that even if you aren't familiar with the plot or characters is a real tearjerker. And then I am soon publishing a Captain America and the Avengers one... it's not purist comic universe though I am sure I will get some crap for that but honestly, I saw the thing and it wouldn't get out of my head. So if you've seen the movie, good enough! Check them out and let me know what you think of my efforts to branch out. **

**I am also going to be publishing a Bella/Emmett fic. A little weird I know, but at least try and give it a chance. He's not your typical completely inappropriate, immature self. It's a beautiful story... though so wrong in some ways. **

**Next chapter: Therapy! **

**p.s. guys I think I might change my pen name... it's kind of... well fandom specific and dirty lol. Thoughts?**


	8. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

**Thank you everyone for all the alerts and favorites! But I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to see more feedback. I need to know that what I'm writing is working for you or especially if it isn't! I realized the other day that when I am feeling down, if I just go back and read all the reviews you guys have left I just grin from ear to ear and feel the love. So thank you! You are my pick me ups!**

**As promised, I am following the last chapter with this one really soon. I know that we have spent a lot of time in the woods, being sad about Alice and angry about Edward and this is basically the end. There is a chapter -that I won't spoil for you -but basically that one is a little bittersweet and then it's romance-ish stuff from there. **

**In writing this chapter, I felt like we should address the fact that Bella is stuck in her progress of accepting life without Alice. Because she can't talk about it with Jasper because she would have to reveal all that lovely, horrible guilt that is making her life miserable. But obviously she can't stay in this holding pattern without ending up in a loony bin so we are going to confront her issues so that we can MOVE ON! **

**The song for this chapter is Tomorrow Will Be Kinder by The Secret Sisters. This song was on the Huger Games soundtrack and I love the simplicity of it. **

**Disclaimer: There's been a lot of talk lately about that 50 Shades of Grey fanfic turned romance novel... that's not me either. **

Chapter Eight: Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

JPOV:

I pulled up to the cabin and parked the car, speeding out and opening Bella's door for her. She moved past me silently, shoulders hunched, face tear stained. I unlocked the front door and she walked in, shedding her shoes while I set her bag down and hung the keys on the hook. She walked into the den and stood there. Unsure of what to do, I took her dirty clothes to the laundry room and tossed them in the washer with some soap. When I came back, she hadn't moved from her spot. She stared at a picture of her and Alice, resting on the desk.

"Bella," I said hesitantly, moving towards her. She continued to stare at the picture until I was next to her. She tilted her head up to look at me and stared while I tried to convey my remorse though my eyes and face, projecting the tiniest bit. Suddenly, her arms moved around me and she rested her head on my chest. I moved my arms to envelop her and murmured against her head a poem by Emily Dickinson. She breathed deeply, calm beginning to wash over her.

"I think I need to see a therapist," she whispered.

"You'll have a hell of a time trying to convince them not to commit you after they hear all about your adventures with vampires," I said lightly. She sighed.

"Know any good vampire therapists," she asked jokingly. I smiled.

"Actually, I do." Her eyes snapped up to mine.

"Is there anything you _don't_ do," Bella asked from the couch. I sat in the chair I'd pulled up in front of her and smiled.

"I don't have nearly as many specialties as you think," I said lightly.

"You're a licensed psychiatrist," she said, staring at me intently. "And you never thought to mention that?"

"It's not a big deal. I haven't practiced in years."

"Years?" She demanded. "How did you practice before? How did you go to medical school?" I laughed at the indignant tone in her voice.

"First of all, with necessary precautions, I could practice a little. And as far as medical school, well, that's the plus of having Carlisle as a teacher. He arranged some smaller night classes for me to be in. Now," I said, "tell me what's going on." She looked down at her entwined fingers and I waited patiently, giving her time to collect her thoughts.

"You know how my mom goes through weird phases?" I nodded. "Well, she went through this crazy phase when I was seven. She was convinced that she would be a better mother and I would be more social and better adjusted if we got into a playgroup. So every Friday afternoon at three, we met with this group of kids and moms and she tried to be all parental and I tried to play without breaking something.

"There was this girl, Chantal, who was a lot like me. She wasn't really active and didn't like to talk a lot but we could spend hours talking about books. We were best friends. A few months later, my mom's phase ended and we stopped going to the playgroup and a few more months after that, Chantal and her mom moved to North Carolina."

"How did that make you feel," I asked after she was silent for a few minutes.

"I thought I was alone. No one in the world could possibly understand me like she did. Now…" she trailed off and then smiled cynically. "Now I realize how silly I was to think that she was my best friend."

"Why is that?" Grief began to pervade my mind and mouth as her face fell.

"Because good conversation was the only thing our relationship consisted of. Alice…Alice was as similar to me as the day is to night. We spent most of our time arguing. But without her… losing her didn't make me feel all alone."

"How did it make you feel," I asked gently.

"Like part of me died with her," she whispered, tears glistening in her eyes.

"Why do you think you felt like that," I said, placing my cold hand over hers.

"Because she was my sister," she said simply.

"And do you still feel that way; like you've died?"

"Sort of. Most days I'm pretty functional, I don't feel like my life is empty. But I always notice that she's gone. I see something that I think she would like or hate and I can't tell her. I want to tell her something but she isn't there. I hear her commenting on things I do or clothes I wear. But I always remember that she's gone."

"When you hear her, do you really hear her or is it your mind providing the reaction you think should happen?"

"It's all in my head," she said drily. "I'm not having hallucinations. I just wonder if it makes things worse, to hear her voice." She was silent, debating internally and then she sighed. "When Edward left, that first time, after my birthday, I was a mess. I was like a zombie. The doctors said I was catatonic. But after I began to come out of it, I could hear Edward's voice in my head, almost like he was right there, whenever I did something reckless or stupid. I used to do things to intentionally hear his voice. When I jumped off the cliff… I did it because I knew that I would hear him if I did. I'm kind of thinking that maybe that's what's going on now only I can't turn her off because she meant so much more to me than he did. Or maybe, because she isn't going to come back."

"It is completely natural to supply ourselves with actions that are familiar to us when we lose a loved one," I said after a moment.

"I just feel like I should be more… adjusted to having her gone. It's been almost two years and I still feel like it was yesterday!" Her frustration was palpable.

"Bella, everyone deals with loss differently. Someone can be okay with a significant loss after six months or so but for others, it can take years to come to terms with it. Don't stress if you are still grieving; you'll get there when you are done processing."

"I just…" she paused and gazed at me and I could see and feel the internal conflict she was having though what about I had no idea. She sighed. "I wish I could have saved her. I wish I could have done more," she whispered.

"There was nothing you could have done," I said softly. Her eyes flashed to mine and I saw the guilt in her eyes before I felt it. Why was she so guilty? This felt like more than just survivor's guilt. "Bella, it's normal to feel guilty because you're here and she isn't. But it's not healthy to torture yourself over it. There was nothing anyone could have done to save her," I whispered. Her eyes sought mine in challenge and I nodded. Even I had come to realize that. While in the beginning I had tortured myself with what if scenarios and guilt and I told myself that if I couldn't have saved her, I should have died with her. But as time passed, I lost the suicidal thoughts completely. Bella had shown me a beautiful world full of opportunity. Now I could return the favor.

"You're telling me that you admit that saving her was impossible," she asked skeptically.

"I am," I said. "By the time she called me, it was too late to save her. There was nothing I could do." Her eyes suddenly welled up and she began to sob into her hands. I was beside her instantly, holding her and running my fingers through her hair. She pushed me away and I reluctantly moved back to my seat, confused and hurt by the rejection. She cried until her tears ran out and then she just sat and stared at me, her emotions running rampant.

"Jasper," she finally asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Bella?"

"Do you… do you wish she hadn't died?"

"I used to. I used to wish she was still there with me every day. But now… I don't wish she was dead but I don't miss her as much as I used to. I'm becoming happier with life without her."

"How?" she asked, her eyes full of trust.

"Because of you," I whispered. She smiled and climbed off the couch. She came closer and then crawled into my lap, resting her head on my chest. I held her close, running my fingertips over the soft, warm skin of her jaw and neck.

"I'm glad you're here, Jasper," she sighed. I squeezed her gently, enjoying the new pride and contentment that she was projecting to me.

"Me too, darlin'," I whispered. "Me too." We sat there contentedly for a while before she sat up.

"Ugh, I stink," she said, wrinkling her nose and I laughed. "I'm going to go shower and then would you maybe… read to me," she asked hesitantly and I smiled.

"Of course. Are you hungry? I can make you something while you shower," I offered. She smiled.

"That would be great. All this healing has me famished," she said dramatically and I laughed and hopped off the chair. I headed to the kitchen while I listened to the shower water start to run. I pulled out a package of macaroni noodles and set water on to boil. I pulled out milk, cheese, butter, cream and some chili powder. When the noodles were all cooked, I added the rest of the ingredients and stirred them around until the cheese was all melted and then I scooped some into a bowl and grabbed a fork for her. I set the bowl and fork on a stray with a napkin and then poured her a glass of orange juice. I lifted the tray and carried it to her room. She was standing in front of the bookcase, browsing. I smiled and set the tray down. She grabbed a book and skipped over to the bed, jumping in and then handing me the book. I took it and when she was settled under the blankets, I laid the tray across her lap and she smiled at me.

"Mac and cheese, huh," she asked teasingly.

"Hey, you wanted the Southern boy to make you food, ya'll better learn real quick that that food ain't goin' to be healthy," I drawled and she smiled and chuckled. She began to eat I looked at the book she had handed to me, reclining on the bed next to her. "Byron, huh," I teased and she lifted her head proudly.

"Byron wrote some of the most beautiful prose that exists," she said haughtily and I laughed and she began to laugh with me. Before starting I took her tray from her and set it on the nightstand. She settled down in the covers, resting her head on my chest and I opened the book to the Table of Contents, scanning for a poem to start with.

_She walks in beauty, like the night  
>Of cloudless climes and starry skies;<br>And all that's best of dark and bright  
>Meet in her aspect and her eyes:<br>Thus mellow'd to that tender light  
>Which heaven to gaudy day denies.<em>

_One shade the more, one ray the less,_  
><em>Had half impaired the nameless grace<em>  
><em>Which waves in every raven tress,<em>  
><em>Or softly lightens o'er her face;<em>  
><em>Where thoughts serenely sweet express<em>  
><em>How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.<em>

_And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,_  
><em>So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,<em>  
><em>The smiles that win, the tints that glow,<em>  
><em>But tell of days in goodness spent,<em>  
><em>A mind at peace with all below,<em>  
><em>A heart whose love is innocent!<em>

When I finished, Bella was sleeping gently and I smiled and kissed her head before getting up and taking her dirty dishes to the sink and washing them. When I came back into the room, I stood in the doorway and watched as she turned over in her sleep, her head resting against the pillow with her hair fanned out over it. Her face was soft, untroubled in slumber and I smiled. My mind replayed everything that had happened today and I wondered if she would ever tell me why she carried so much guilt over Alice's death. But I shoved those thoughts aside and moved back to lay beside her, running my fingers through her hair softly and murmuring softly the languid prose of Byron and wishing that her life could always be this serene.

I felt warmth run through me at the knowledge that I was the reason she could sleep soundly. I always wanted to be the one who put Bella to sleep, the one she came to when she had a problem or just something to share.

I smiled slowly as I realized that Bella Swan now meant as much to me as Alice had.

Maybe more.

**At last! We have some closure for Bella and the realization for Jasper that he is falling in love with her! YAY! **

**The poem was _She Walks In Beauty_ by Lord Byron. It is one of my favorite poems ever and I can only imagine how much better it would sound with Jasper reading it in his sexy voice. **

**So! Next chapter is going to be emotional but it will be the last one. This angst is bringing me down and I am more than ready to move on. The next chapter will also answer many of your questions about how Jane tricked Alice when Alice would have seen all her decisions before they happened. Finally! **

**You guys are awesome. I love hearing back from you. I love the favorites and the alerts but when you guys tell me what you thought about the chapter, I am ecstatic. Seriously. I laugh and giggle and act like a thirteen year old girl who just saw Jacob take his shirt off! **

**Next chapter: an anniversary!**


	9. The Hardest Thing is being Near To You

**I am so glad that you have all been enjoying You Won't Feel A Thing so far and I know that after this chapter I will have to beat you all off of me with a stick with all the love that will be going around! But this chapter is a catalyst and turning point and therefore, I must write it, even if I wish we were past it and into the fluffy love stuff already. **

**The song title for this chapter is The Hardest Thing by Tyler Ward. You can find him on Youtube and iTunes. The other song is Near To You by A Fine Frenzy. You will definitely see more of their songs used later in the story. **

**This chapter is a little strange. I didn't want to split it into two different chapters because honestly, I would just like to get it over with and not dwell on it too long. So I split the chapter into Bella's POV and Jasper's POV. **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer did not torture these characters when she created them to be hers forever... maybe they defect if you torture them...**

Chapter Nine: The Hardest Thing is being Near To You

BPOV:

I climbed out of the car with Jasper's help and walked slowly up the path through the trees. It was windy and the clouds promised a truly terrible storm today; oddly fitting considering what this day was. I noticed that neither Jasper nor his family, excluding Edward, were in any rush to move faster than I was. I looked at his face and he was deep in thought, pain reflecting his eyes, but other than that he was blank faced. I fingered the flowers I was carrying gently, trying not feel bitter. All the progress I had made thus far was thanks to Jasper and when he had told me that he was moving past Alice's death a couple months ago, it did wonders for the guilt I had been drowning in. If Jasper was coming to terms with his life, after losing his wife, then so could I. I learned not to hate myself for Alice's decision to call me before him, learned not to question her motives anymore. She knew something that I did not and that was good enough for me.

We broke through the trees into a clearing and I swallowed back tears as I faced the headstone, lovingly surrounded by flowers and a tree; the handiwork of her loving mother with the green thumb. I walked forward and placed the daisies that I had purchased centered on the ground. I stood back, reading the inscription over and over.

_Alice Whitlock Cullen_

_So are you to my thoughts as food to life,_

_Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;_

_And for the peace of you I hold such strife_

_As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found;_

_Now proud as an enjoyer and anon_

_Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure,_

_Now counting best to be with you alone,_

_Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure;_

_Sometime all full with feasting on your sight_

_And by and by clean starved for a look;_

_Possessing or pursuing no delight,_

_Save what is had or must from you be took._

_Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,_

_Or gluttoning on all, or all away._

Despite the two year lapse of time between when Alice had first died and now, being here, in front of her headstone, having the tangible truth of it in front of me made me feel as though I hadn't believed it, as though the truth of it were hitting me for the first time. When I had first met Edward, after Alice and I had become like sisters, never in an eternity had I pictured that I would be standing here, in this situation. I stared at my hands, willing myself not to cry, to remember the most beautiful moments of Alice's life with me instead of the fear in her voice during our last conversation.

_"Alice, you know I love you, but there is absolutely no way that I am going to Dartmouth," I said, laughing while Alice painted my toenails and told me about all the beauties of the Ivy League school back east. Apparently Edward wasn't the only one who had their heart set on my attendance there. _

_"Come on, Bella," she said lightly, her hands moving unerringly over my feet. "The campus is beautiful and you've never been to college before. I'm not saying give up being a vampire; I'm just saying that maybe it wouldn't be so terrible for you to discover some of the beauties of human life before you change. Besides, Edward gets so bored with school. It would be beyond wonderful of you to do this for him so that he could help you." I gave her a look of contempt and she laughed. "Okay, not the best reason but come on! Why don't you want to go to college?" _

_"I never said I didn't want to go to college, Alice. I just don't want to put off being a vampire that long." _

_"Is it because of the Volturi," Alice asked in exasperation. "Because I have my eye on them so they won't make a decision without us knowing. Besides, I told you before; it could be thirty years before they remember you." _

_"It's not the Volturi," I said quietly. "I just... Edward is seventeen. He will always be seventeen. I'm already eighteen. I don't want to wait so long that I won't be able to go to school with him, to graduate with him. And I don't want to wait so long that I look closer to Carlisle's age and we have to rethink the cover story. I can't pass for Esme's or Carlisle's sister. Yours or Emmett's maybe, but not theirs. I don't want to wait, Alice." She was silent, staring at my toes which she had long since finished. I worried that maybe I had offended her when she looked up at me seriously. _

_"Bella, you don't just want to change because you're afraid that if you don't Edward will leave you again, do you?" Her voice was quiet and pained and I wondered if this was something she had seen. _

_"No, Alice. If anything... if anything I am more scared that he will leave me after I change. What if I make a horrible vampire? What if I can't hunt correctly? Or I'm the first clumsy vampire in the history of vampires? What if I change so much that he doesn't love me anymore because I won't blush or talk in my sleep? What if he misses my heartbeat so much that its silence drives him away? How can I spend an eternity without him?" Alice looked at me sympathetically. _

_"Oh, Bella, that could never happen. It would take a much more detrimental loss than that of your blush or heartbeat to make Edward pull away from you."_

_"But what if this... this relationship is only as exciting for him as it is because I'm his singer? What if the danger is what is making all of this so exciting?" _

_"Bella, if you think that Edward is with you out of some sick game to test his self control, you are sorely mistaken. Edward would never risk your life over something so trivial. He loves you, Bella." _

_"I just... what if something happens? What if Carlisle or Esme died, Alice? What if that drove him away from me? How can I survive alone?" She took my warm hands in her cold ones and squeezed gently. I looked into her eyes, tears pooling in my own and sliding slowly down my cheeks. _

_"Then you will always have me," she said confidently. "And Jasper," she added when I sniffed. "We will always be there for you. And if he can walk away from you then you two aren't mates. There is somewhere out there for you, Bella. If it isn't Edward, there is someone else." I hugged her tightly, drawing strength from the promise that she would never leave me. _

But she had left me. I don't think even she ever suspected that Jane would do what she did. Jane's punishment and death was the only time I'd returned to Volterra and the only time I would be permitted to do so as a human. I know that Caius had wanted me killed and my family punished for not being changed yet but Carlisle, being the old friend that he was, had convinced him that it would draw more attention and questions to change me before graduation than after. We didn't bother to tell him that graduation was only a few months away. Aro had convinced his brother to back off in the grief of the loss of Alice, who had so desperately wanted in his guard, that was brought about by the betrayal of his 'dear Jane'.

_The stone walls were dark in the blackness of night, lit only with the torches that the human servants had lit and placed in brackets at intervals on the ancient walls. I looked around unfeelingly and my heart twisted uncomfortably when my eyes met Jasper's face, devoid of emotion but his eyes were burning with loss or anger, I didn't know. _

_"Dearest friends," Aro said, the normal cheerfulness gone from his voice. He was deadly quiet and did not bother to hide his emotions on his face. He stepped forward and Carlisle took his hand in a brotherly manner. Aro's face creased with grief and finally he let go after seeing everything there was to see. "Carlisle, allow me to apologize again for the loss of your daughter. Alice was a rare and beautiful blossom. It is so sad that she was plucked before her full bloom could be seen." My eyes flashed over to Jasper's again and I noticed his face had turned down in a grimace. I was guessing Aro's description of the betrayal of his most beloved guard member wasn't as accurately portrayed as he thought. _

_"It has been difficult, Aro, but we are relieved that at least there will be justice for Alice's life," Carlisle said reminding him subtly that it was his own guard who had 'plucked the flower'. Aro nodded understandingly. _

_"Of course. Such defiance and violence must be punished. Edward," he said, turning to look at Edward and I standing together on the edges of the group. He wasn't holding me. He wasn't touching me at all, but that was becoming the norm I had come to realize. Edward's face revealed nothing but I noticed his mouth turned down slightly. "I would greatly appreciate your insight on this whole mess. After all, you have the bigger picture." He stepped forward, hand outstretched and Edward met his hand and then clenched his jaw as the information passed between them. _

_"_Enough_," Aro shouted, voice thick with pain. He was hunched over and it took him a few moments to straighten. Caius and Marcus were watching him with worry and suspicion, ready to call the guard to dispatch Edward if anything was truly wrong with their brother. When he did straighten, his eyes flew to Jasper who was staring at the ground unseeingly. "Such pain," he gasped, still trying to regain his composure. "Such agony; it must be so hard to handle." He stepped toward Jasper who finally raised his head and looked at Aro blankly. "I am in wonder at how you can feel her loss so sharply and not cause those around you to suffer also," he said, gesturing to our family. Jasper's jaw clenched. _

_"Jasper's control is amazing," Carlisle said finally when we realized that Jasper couldn't or wouldn't answer. "He only projected his pain once since Alice's passing, the night that we lost her." _

_"Who did he share his pain with? Who was so strong they could bear the oppressiveness of it?" Everyone's eyes turned to me and I swallowed, blush rising in my cheeks. "No," he said in disbelief. "Surely he could not have shared with this beautiful human and she survived unscathed," he said, his voice full of an echo of the wonder and excitement I was used to. _

_"Bella handled it well," Esme said, shooting me a soft smile. Yes, if you could call wishing for death, screaming and tearing up the ground in agony well. _

_"Such a wonder, beautiful Isabella," he said, raising my hand to his lips and I fought against the urge to pull my hand back in disgust. _

_"Let's get on with this, Aro," Caius's cold voice broke in. "Jane has committed a capital offense and must be punished." I used to wonder if Caius only hated those who did not serve him. I know knew that he hated everyone. Aro's face turned grim and he turned and returned to his seat. _

_"Of course. Demetri, bring Jane in if you please," he said and moments later, Jane was brought in, carried by Alec who was staring at her in disgust. I wondered what the purpose of this was but my questions were answered by Emmett who leaned over to whisper to me in my confusion. _

_"Alec's gift deprives you of your senses. It was the only way to control Jane so that she wouldn't use her gift to escape," he said grimly and I suddenly felt sick. Her own brother was using his gifts to aid in her execution. Alec set Jane down and then proceeded to cover her eyes with layers of blindfolds to stop her from using her gift while they questioned her. Finally she came to and struggled slightly against Felix and Demetri's iron grips. _

_"Jane, you have been brought before the Brotherhood to pay for your crimes against Alice Cullen, an ally and friend of the Volturi. You have been sentenced to dismemberment and burning for the death of Alice Cullen," Caius hissed at her. _

_"Do the Cullens have anything they wish to say before we proceed," Marcus rasped out. We remained silent._

_"How did she do it? How did she trick her?" We all turned to Jasper's harsh voice in surprise. He was glaring at Jane with such a violent loathing that I half expected her to burst into flames from the heat of his anger. _

_"Jane," Aro asked her. _

_"I used a false email account and mailed her the advertisement for the sale. I never made a decision to send it, left it with a human with instructions that he should. I instructed a group of humans to prepare the warehouse, placing explosives around every entrance and exit along with accelerant. The email instructed that the sale was inside. I was surprised that it worked so well," she said, voice devoid of emotion. I felt disgusted as she talked about the preparations she made for my sister's murder as though relaying the instructions for a test. "She was preoccupied. That is what distracted her from noticing that she was alone, that something was off. By the time she realized this of course, I detonated the explosives and watched the warehouse burn. I don't know how the crimes were linked back to me. I assume she died before she could tell anyone. _

_"She survived long enough to call her mate and tell him everything," Edward hissed at her and I felt my stomach churn as I thought of the first call she had made. Aro's face was contorted in fury and Caius's held a light of excitement, I assumed from the nearing execution and his love for violence. Marcus's normally impassive face was twisted in sadness and I wondered briefly how his mate had met her untimely end. _

_"Jane, I am so thoroughly disappointed and disgusted with you," Aro said. "You, who were so special, so dear to me. How could you betray me so completely by killing someone I hoped would join our little coven?" _

_"She was replacing me in your affections, master," Jane pleaded, her voice showing emotion for the first time. "She sought to out me from position in your guard and turn me into an outsider." I heard Jasper, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie growl in anger. _

_"Alice was content with our family," Rosalie hissed. "She had no plans to come to the Volturi anytime soon. It was your own jealousy that moved you to murder her!" _

_"She did! She did, master! She wanted you to love her more, to love me less!" As she continued to plead with Aro for his understanding, he nodded at Demetri who grabbed Jane's arms and ripped them off, followed by her legs and finally, her head, cutting off her ear-splitting screams of pain. I turned my head to Emmett's side, already knowing I would not find comfort with Edward and he held me close, hiding my face from the image of Jane's body being stacked in a pile and lit on fire by Aro. _

_I couldn't help but feel a small amount of satisfaction that Jane had suffered like Alice. _

All these memories assaulted me as I stood at the last standing monument of my almost sister. I couldn't fight the annoyance and anger I felt as I realized that Edward should be standing here whether we were together or not. His claim to loving Alice more than any of his other siblings felt like another false claim as our family stood there without him. Jasper was frozen in place, a statue kneeling before the grave of his beloved.

I couldn't even begin to wonder what thoughts were tormenting him.

JPOV:

This wasn't right.

I shouldn't be kneeling in front of Alice's grave, reliving all the memories we had together while the wind whipped my hair in my face and my family sobbed quietly behind me. Esme had been wonderful in handling my gift for Alice's memory. She had designed the shoes and sent me the design while I stayed with Bella and then commissioned an up and coming designer that Alice had been sponsoring to make them. When I'd seen the final product, my throat had constricted painfully as I was struck with visions of how Alice would have reacted. I could see her excitement, hear her squeals of delight and felt her arms and legs wrap themselves around me, her lips pressed all over my skin in gratitude. I could see her in them, moving lithely as though dancing. She always made life look like a dance.

Bella and I had driven up here and the entire ride up, when she wasn't sleeping, we were progressing through her feelings, sharing our feelings and thoughts about this anniversary. It had been Bella's idea to have a small gathering to offer gifts in tribute to my former wife. She'd been dissatisfied that she couldn't think of anything but flowers but I assured her that flowers were one of the few unconditional joys Alice had had in her life. It wasn't like she could put a store at Alice's grave.

Well, not realistically.

Bella had been nervous about today's activities. She admitted that while our talks were helping her process and find closure about Alice's death and life without her, seeing her grave, a physical reminder that Alice was gone and not coming back, was hard. She commented that she couldn't imagine what this must be like for me and I was honest when I told her that it was hard, a slap in the face but that I was resigning myself to life without her. She hadn't believed me entirely but then stuck her feet in my lap so I could rub them and told me about some hiking trips she wanted to take me on.

If Alice could have seen the Bella that existed after her death and Edward's abandonment, she would have been the first vampire to cry. Bella was doing what Alice had always wanted her to by going out and trying new things that she never would have thought of, taking her life into her own hands. She was a talented chef, a spirited dancer and an avid hiker and rock climber. She was trying new things that she never would have considered before and finding new loves every day. Lately, she had been taking 'secret' classes that she forbid me from coming to and asking about. She came home smelling like leather and car exhaust and I wondered if she was secretly learning to work on cars. Rose would love that.

She'd been relatively quiet today, waking up and getting ready before coming down and eating a small breakfast of fruit and yogurt and we set off. We hadn't said much but she and I didn't have to: she understood what this day meant for me and I for her. There was no need for any explanations of sympathies.

Bella stepped towards me and I turned my head to gaze up at her tear-stained face and windblown hair. This whole situation was a bad dream. But I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't ever crossed my mind.

_I watched Alice as she moved across the room, removing items from boxes and bags and placing them in positions within the room. More shoes than I cared to count were making their way to her shoe-only closet and several new clothes followed into the closet. A few trinkets like picture frames were moved to shelves and open spaces but mostly it was clothes. I watched bemusedly as she grabbed a pair of leather cowgirl boots and carried them to the closet, placing them carefully on the top shelf. I smiled at her when she looked over at me coyly and winked. _

_"Are those for me," I teased. She laughed lightly, jumping on the bed and climbing on top of me. _

_"In a way," she giggled, kissing my lips quickly. I laughed and wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her more securely to me. She brushed her fingers softly over my jaw and I felt fire flow through my veins. She rested her chin on my chest and looked up at me from under her lashes. I stared down at her and felt that familiar and yet so special contentment and security envelope me like a hug. I'd only felt this way with Alice. After Maria, I hadn't expected anything from my existence except self loathing and pain, to live in the fear of my victims and hate myself for it. But Alice had definitely shown me an alternate existence. She was an angel, come to save me from a miserable, inescapable existence. How could I have survived without her? Would I have eventually just become a monster, a mindless, soulless predator of the night who thought of nothing more than the next victim, soothing the bloodlust? I shuddered at the thought and pulled Alice even closer. _

_She looked at me in sympathy. _

_"You wouldn't have been that way, you know," she said quietly, already knowing where my thoughts were trained. I just stared at her. _

_"You don't know that," I whispered. It was the most likely scenario. _

_"Jasper, you would have turned to this way of life eventually, despite its difficulties and restrictions. That's the kind of person that you are. You wouldn't have continued to immerse yourself in those feelings, those negative emotions. You would have sought for another option, something to keep your sanity and humanity. That's the kind of man that you are." _

_"Man," I scoffed softly. "I was a monster. I killed my victims; I drank their blood while their fear and regret coursed through me like it was my own. Nothing is worse than that. Nothing is humane about that." She pressed her hand to my cheek and stroked her thumb over my cheekbone. _

_"You are the greatest man that I will ever have the pleasure to know," she whispered before placing her lips to mine softly, reassuringly. I wasn't convinced but I could feel her love and respect moving over me like the flow of a volcano, slow but powerful. I deepened the kiss hungrily, projecting both of our emotions onto her, making it impossibly powerful. Our actions started to become heated. _

_Later, after our passion had ebbed, we stared into each other's eyes unmoving, memorizing and basking in the happy, carefree moment. I leaned in slowly and pressed my lips to Alice's forehead, brushing them softly over the beautiful skin there. She sighed contentedly and then giggled when I squeezed her. _

_"I love you, Alice," I whispered. _

_"I love you too, Jasper," she said softly, fingering the golden hair at my chest. I looked down at her but her face was turned down. "Jasper, I know you think that I'm the only thing stopping you from returning to a life of savagery," she said after a moment. I opened my mouth to argue but she stopped me. "And I know that for the first time in your existence, you don't feel like a monster and that I played a part in that. But... baby, I wasn't kidding when I said that you are the greatest man I will ever know. If anything ever happened to me, you wouldn't have to go back to hating yourself, your life. You could still be happy. You don't need me for that," she whispered at the end, finally lifting her face to mine. _

_"Alice," I said forcefully. "You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And a life without you isn't even worth contemplating." I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers fervently. She sighed and gently caressed my cheek with her thumb before smiling and hopping out of bed. _

_"I have to see if Georges has emailed me back," she said and danced out of the room. _

That night she was dead. Our last kiss had been that sweet, intense show of love before she went to discuss funding with her newest designer. Only hours later, our fight had occurred and then Jane murdered her. It still baffled me how such a calm and beautiful morning could end in such a drastic and life-altering way.

Bella placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to her, staring at her. Her eyes were bright and red, beginning to swell slightly. The wind was whipping her hair around her face violently but she seemed oblivious to blustery weather that wanted to carry her off. Her eyes were soft, pained but it was different from the normal pain she felt for Alice's loss. She was pained that _I_ was pained. Her pain was for my struggle, my loss. I felt my heart swell with gratitude. The hand on my shoulder wasn't saying, "Let's go now." It said, "I'm here. For you." I hadn't realized until that moment just how much Bella had been there for me, what a huge role she'd played in my recovery. She gave me a sense of purpose without providing a distraction for me to hide behind to avoid dealing with life without Alice.

I put my hand over hers and smiled softly up at her. The corners of her mouth turned up in a soft smile in response and I stood up, using my body to shield her from the wind as much as I could. I placed an arm around her waist and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Let's go home," I said softly. She stared at me quizzically and I smiled. "Home, home," I said referring to the cabin in Utah. And it was home. It was more home to me now, with Bella, than my home with my family was. They were still family, but Bella was soon becoming a prominent fixture in my life with a very centralized role and I found myself anticipating the many possibilities of growth that could come of it.

She tugged on my hand, pulling me from my thoughts and I followed her through the trees to the car, admiring the contentment that surrounded her like a warm blanket.

**YAY! Well, not yay. Nothing wonderful happened. But we are officially done with all the missing Alice as a full time occupation chapters! I am so excited because now we can move on to the fluff and development of romantic feelings! Course, I know exactly what's going to happen. You know that feeling you get when you read a fic and it's a great chapter and your heart feels all warm and fuzzy and too big for your chest and you're smiling like an idiot but the chapter makes you feel so excited? That's how I feel about these upcoming chapters, and I'm writing them! **

**The quote on Alice's headstone is Sonnet LXXV by William Shakespeare.**

**Next chapter: We find out what those mysterious lessons that Bella has been taking!**


	10. Fearless

**Dearest readers, I should probably stop making all these promises to update soon when it is obvious that I haven't been keeping them. Anyways, a ginormously HUGE apology for promising an update and not following through. I am making a huge effort to have at least two chapters written before posting. We shall see, though.**

**Anyways, I am extremely excited to write the next few chapters. Because AT LAST, we come out of the dark and depressing grieving period and into the happy, fuzzy love chapters! I am so freaking excited!**

**The song for this chapter is Fearless by Taylor Swift. Normally, I don't choose TSwift songs. I have little patience for her since her songs are played so often. But when the muse speaks, I must heed her sweet call. **

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Seriously, nothing. I'm a box on the street kinda poor. **

Chapter Ten: Fearless

BPOV:

I laughed as Jasper jumped high into the air, catching the football against his chest to the cheers of those watching. I clapped my hands and moved to help clean up the mess. Some friends from my dance classes had organized a picnic and I had convinced Jasper to accompany me. At first, he had been worried about the weather, not wanting the sun, which was much more common in Utah than Washington, to spoil our fun. Luckily, the group had opted for an overcast but pleasant day. While most of my friends avoided Jasper -not realizing that it was an automatic human reaction when in the proximity of a vampire -they seemed to be more at ease today. I supposed it was because of the normal, not typical vampire conditions we were in.

Things had been great between Jasper and I since Forks. I felt like I could move on easier since facing her grave and reliving the loss and I told Jasper as much. He claimed to feel similar. The saying 'Time heals all wounds' came to mind and I guessed it must be true. Jasper and I had started to explore more of Utah, taking a road trip down to Bryce Canyon and Four Corners. The latter had turned out to be rather boring but it was a place I could cross off my list of new, exciting experiences. We sat on top of one of the beautiful, red, sandstone rock formations so common to that area and just enjoyed the beautiful, breathtaking stretch of desert.

I kept my emotions under lock and key though. With every new discovery that we made together, every new sight we saw, I found myself thinking of Jasper in ways that before had eluded me out of loyalty to my former best friend. I couldn't be falling for my dead best friend's husband! But it was a futile attempt to fight it. Jasper was understanding but firm, sentimental but masculine, spontaneous yet reserved, humorous and serious, so many things that had me smiling at him and watching him when he wasn't looking. But with his special gift, I couldn't bear to let him catch wind of my feelings. I couldn't bear the ultimate and inevitable rejection of he who had come to be my best friend, my sole confidant. As cliché as it was to say, I couldn't bear to ruin our friendship over something as trivial as my feelings.

I wondered sometimes if I wasn't hiding my feelings as well as I thought I was. I would catch him staring at me, tenderness in his eyes and made my cheeks heat and my heart begin to palpitate in rhythms that were unnatural. Every night, after he had read to me, he would tuck me in and kiss my forehead lovingly. These small acts of personal and physical affection left me soaring and at the same time, my heart plummeted to my feet because I knew that they didn't mean anything to him. He was just putting me to bed. I couldn't tell him how desperately I wanted him to stay, how much I wanted to kiss him goodnight and curl up into his side and wake up to his smile in the morning, to wake to his kisses.

I was being ridiculous and that little voice inside my head had absolutely no qualms about reminding me of that. So I buried my feelings and lived off the moments that I had with him that were beautiful.

"Bella, what's your friend's name?" I smiled at Lucy, the eleven year old daughter of my friend Sharon. She was blonde and blue eyed and like the little voice in my head, had no qualms about complete and total honesty.

"Jasper," I told her, picking up a bowl of potato salad and carrying to the open car. She grabbed the bag of plates and followed me.

"Jasper," she mumbled to herself. "You and Jasper should get married." I laughed and nearly dropped the bowl I was carrying.

"Lucy, my dear, you have to be dating to get married," I chuckled. She sighed.

"Then date him," she said simply, following me as I went back to get more stuff to load into the car. My heart sped up at the thoughts her words induced. I could see Jasper holding my hand, the two of us cuddled up in front of the fire while kissing affectionately. I shook my head and glanced over at Jasper instinctively. He was smiling into his cup but whether that was from Lucy's simple statements or from something else, I wasn't sure.

"It's not that simple," I said, ruffling her hair. She stared at me contemplatively.

"But he likes you," she said as though I were stupid. "It's totally obvious. And you must like him."

"Now you're just being silly," I said in exasperation.

"What's not to like," she said. "He's a hunk," she mumbled and I had to grip the car to keep from falling over. She rolled her eyes at me and waited for me to finish laughing. "Look, I might just be eleven but I know love when I see it." I struggled to maintain a straight face. "He totally likes you!"

"Why do you think that," I asked, putting my hands on my hips and staring at her expectantly.

"He got you food, insisted on cleaning up for you, and grabbed your jacket from the car when you started to get cold. Not to mention he keeps looking at you." MY head whipped up to find Jasper's and I saw his face turn away quickly back to the football game. I frowned.

"That doesn't mean anything," I said.

"Don't you want to go out with him," she asked without comprehension. My face heated.

"It's not as simple as all that," I protested.

"Why not?" I sighed and knelt down, speaking quietly.

"It's not just about being nice and liking someone," I whispered. "When people date, it's because they want to be together. Jasper was married before me and his wife was my best friend. When she died, we were both really, really sad. And after being married to someone, being in love with them, it's hard to look at someone else the same way. So it's not about whether I want to Jasper or if he smiles at me. It's about if he wants to share his heart with me. And I don't think he does," I said sadly. She frowned at me and then leaned forward and wrapped her small arms around me.

"I hope that one day, he does," she said into my hair.

"Me too," I breathed quietly.

A couple of hours later, I sat in the den reading Wuthering Heights. I turned pages methodically while my mind revolved around the conversation that I had had with Lucy earlier. I knew that there were many flaws to her logic and that her youth made things much simpler in her eyes. But it didn't stop the small pang of want that echoed around my heart. I was glad Jasper had gone out to hunt. I didn't know how I would explain that feeling to him. He hadn't mentioned anything about my conversation with Lucy and I wondered if I was flattering myself by thinking that he would be listening and paying attention to it instead of the activities he was involved in. I was being ridiculous again, I knew.

"Bella?" I jumped my heart thundering my chest. I turned to see Jasper leaning against the doorframe, attempting to keep a straight face... and failing.

"Jasper," I gasped. "How long have you been standing there?" He walked into the room and sat next to me.

"Five minutes, maybe," he said. He brushed a strand of hair from my eyes.

"Why didn't you say anything," I asked uncomfortably. My skin was tingling from the slight touch of his fingers.

"Your preoccupation was far too interesting to interrupt," he chuckled. I blushed deeply. Had he felt the unrequited desire? "I was wondering if I could ask you a question," he said after a few moments.

"Um, sure," I said confusedly. He stared at me until I looked away, ducking my head in embarrassment.

"Would you like to go out with me on Saturday," he asked quickly. I stared at him, my heart stuttering. Had I just heard that correctly? Did he just ask me out? Like a _date_? "Bella?" I snapped myself from my thoughts.

"Um... y-yeah," I said clearing my throat. "Sure," I said with more confidence. He smiled a truly dazzling smile and I took an unsteady breath.

"Wonderful," he whispered, brushing a hand across my cheek. A trail of fire burned in the wake of his touch and I gulped. He laughed, then stood and walked out of the room, leaving me confused and terrified and pleased at the same time.


	11. Angel Eyes

**Dear readers, **

**First of all, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my wonderful American's. I hope you had a day full of carbs and tryptophan induced comas. I won't be having my Turkey Day till tomorrow so lucky me.**

**Holy heck, I loved the emails that flooded my inbox with y'all's favorites, alerts and reviews. I always feel better after hearing your feedback and seeing how much you are loving my writing (especially since the chapters so far have all been the equivalent of my cutting my heart open and bleeding words onto the page). I am working harder on having everything all caught up for updates. The honest truth is that I love this story, the whole idea of being able to move on after a horrific trauma when it seems like the world has ended. Let's just say it is very near and dear to my heart for multiple reasons. **

**Anyways, this chapter. Funny story. I haven't been on a real first date with a crush in... well quite a few years. I haven't been on a first date in years, period. So, obviously when I went to write this, I had nothing to draw off of really. I asked my brothers, my friends, pretty much anyone who had been on a date more recently than me (which is basically anyone lol). After days worth of romantic comedies, I have at last refreshed my memory and remembered that butterfly in the stomach feeling of a first date with the guy (or girl for those of you who swing that way) you are completely twitterpated with. **

**The song for this chapter is Angel Eyes by Love and Theft. Sorry in advance to those of you that hate country music but let's be honest, Jasper is a Texas boy. And I'm from Georgia. So I'm actually not sorry. **

**Disclaimer: Not only do I not own any of this original content, I couldn't even tell you what a first date was like. Pathetic. **

Chapter Eleven: Angel Eyes

BPOV:

I had no idea where we were going.

I sat in the car, fidgeting nervously while my heart hammered away embarrassingly. I stared resolutely out the window, trying to spot where our final destination was. I had been surreptitiously sneaking glances at Jasper since he had secured me in my seat of the car and sped out of the driveway. He looked wonderful in a simple black t-shirt with a grey jacket thrown over it and acid washed jeans. I was in a simple red, cotton sundress and flats with a cream sweater. It was another overcast day with warm rains promised and I planned to take advantage of the new warmer weather. I suspected that he had something planned out of doors but so far my attempts at extracting plans from him had ended in a devastating, secretive smile and a refusal.

Not that I minded if we got caught in the rain. I loved the rain here in the desert. It wasn't as noticeable in northern Utah, but where rock and sandstone covered the vast majority of the area, the air smelled spicy, sharp. Up north the rain brought a uniquely wonderful smell that reminded me of the best kind of cologne mixed with tree sap mixed with clean laundry. It was impossible to explain but I basked in Utah's rainy days like I had never done in Forks.

Of course, it rained every day there. Not quite as special.

Jasper took the exit we were coming up on and I peered out the window, mentally cursing myself for not paying attention to the attraction signs before the exit.

"Will you tell me what we're doing now," I asked him impatiently. He smiled and shook his head.

"Not a chance," he said. "I want to see the look on your face." I huffed an overdramatic sigh and he smiled. "This is fun," he said. "I couldn't surprise Alice with anything because she always saw what I was planning the minute I made the decision." I laughed.

"Bringing up the dead wife on a first date is considered very faux pas," I teased and he laughed with me.

"I would say going on a date with a Major from the Civil War is considered faux pas as well," he countered. I shook my head.

"Nope, it's all the rage. Women are running all over trying to find Confederate officers before all the good ones get taken." He laughed, eyes sparkling and I felt myself beginning to relax. I'd built this date up in my head to the point where I not only began to lose sleep over it, but had nightmares when I did relax enough to sleep. But I needn't have worried. Conversing with Jasper wasn't any more difficult than it normally was. Though I supposed that now our usual playful banter could be labeled as flirting. He turned the car down a twisting lane and I looked to our left and saw the towering metal frames of multiple roller coasters.

"Lagoon," I asked, completely surprised by his choice of activity. He smiled gleefully.

"Yes, Lagoon. I thought since the weather is perfect for an outing with me, you might like to visit what I'm told is the most exciting place in Northern Utah." My heart skipped a beat when he smiled and I watched his smile widen.

Sometimes, I really regretted this whole superhuman hearing. Heaven help me if I couldn't keep my feelings buckled down. The last thing he needed to feel was the complete and utterly pathetic need that I was drowned in whenever he smiled at me.

If he hadn't already, that is.

He pulled up to the next available booth and handed over payment for our parking. We were one of the first people in the park and I suspected that the weather forecast meant that the crowds would stay smaller today. I wondered if Jasper would be okay being surrounded by so many humans.

He helped me out of the car and led me to the entrance, where I waited for him to buy our day passes -I ignored the prices on them, unwilling to consider how much he was spending on a pass to ride roller coasters when he probably wouldn't even enjoy it.

"How does this work for you," I asked as we entered the park, an attendant checking our passes and stamping our hands.

"What do you mean," he asked, placing a hand on the small of my back and leading me through the people gathered by the gates. My skin burned where his hand rested and a colorful blush tinged my cheeks. I saw his mouth turn up and I felt better in knowing that he wasn't embarrassed by my body's responses to his presence like I was.

"Well," I said, trying to focus my mind back on the matter at hand, "obviously the roller coasters aren't that exciting for you. It must be rather slow compared to how fast you can run. So, I'm wondering why you chose something that won't be much fun for you." He steered me through the park towards an intimidating looking ride near the back. A line was already formed and winding around in front of it. I gulped nervously.

"Amusement parks are wonderful places for an empath. You feel this exhilaration, fear, freedom! People's emotions are peaking, erratic. It gives you a real high. Besides, I figured with all this new stuff you have been trying and loving, you should try this. There is nothing quite like being strapped into a little car that runs over some metal tracks and plummeting suddenly to what, with one misplaced gear, could be your ultimate death." I gaped at him, mouth hanging open.

"Well thank you for settling my insecurities and doubts about this activity," I said sarcastically. "I feel so much better about strapping myself into one of these things." He laughed and pulled me closer and I reveled in the feeling.

When had I turned into such a sop? You'd almost think we hadn't been living together for almost a year. I guess that's what a first date will do to you; turn your brain to mush and your body to extreme sensitivity. I kept telling myself that this was just Jasper. But every time I even attempted to justify my body's reactions, my mind would argue that this was _Jasper_ and I would begin to freak out all over again. I don't know when exactly my attitude toward Jasper had changed from my best friend to the extremely attractive guy I wouldn't mind giving my heart to but since it had happened I noticed so much more than before.

Now when he smiled, I was left reeling and fighting the desire in response simply because his lips turned up in joy or amusement was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. I had always loved Jasper's deep, masculine laugh, but now his laugh was breathtaking and I could feel my heart swelling at the sound. His eyes had always been so expressive, my own way to read his emotions, but now I wondered how I had never noticed how his eyes burned. They were alive with so much emotion and I felt myself get lost in them before pulling myself back to reality.

Now, as we stood in line for the first ride, I could see that he was already tasting and soaking up the emotional atmosphere. As a car jetted down the track on the ride we were on, his lips involuntarily pulled up into an exhilarated, breathtaking smile and the corners of my own mouth twitched in response. His eyes were wide and I suddenly understood why he wouldn't be disappointed in our activities today. I worried often that he would get bored with all the mundane human activities that I involved myself in but watching the thrill on his face made me realize that Jasper found so much in a situation that I needn't have worried. I let myself compare him to Edward on so many occasions but really, there was no comparison.

Edward had been careful and cautious, always holding off from doing something, if he even decided to do it at all. He had held himself in restraint so often that I wondered what kind of existence he was living in. He never let himself go, never acted on instinct, at least not in my presence. So when Jasper came to live with me, I assumed that he would get bored in the insignificant details of my life. I had never taken the time to inspect that my assumptions about him were that I always took Edward's cautious nature as a vampiric quality instead of just a quality about Edward that he had always had. I also guessed the Jasper's abilities as an empath added a lot more to a situation that Edward's mind reading had. It was one thing to hear someone think about how much fun they were having; to feel that joy was another thing entirely.

"Knock, knock," Jasper said teasingly, rapping his knuckles on my head softly and smiling. I pushed his hand away with a joking huff. "I know I'm boring but I didn't think I was so boring you would lose interest before we even started having fun," he joked. I rolled my eyes.

"Like you could ever be boring," I muttered and he laughed.

"You would be surprised how many people think I am. Emmett thinks that all this time with the family has tamed me. He remembers me when I first joined the family and I couldn't be caught dead reading a book. I had to be out of doors, moving, doing something all the time. Now, he says it takes an army to get me out of my study and away from my history books." I smiled, imagining Emmett's nagging as he tried to coerce Jasper into going hunting or wrestling. I loved that Jasper's love of books was matched by my own. We spent most of our evenings curled up on the couch in the library or in my bed, reading whatever held our interest at the time and sharing anything we came across that we thought would interest the other. The idea that Jasper did nothing but read was utterly ridiculous. He did everything with me since he came to Utah; helping me learn new dance steps and occasionally teaching me new ones, rock climbing around the mountains that surrounded the cabin, preparing ingredients for whatever recipe I was experimenting with. There was one activity that I wouldn't allow him to accompany me to though I knew he suspected what I was doing when I came home smelling like leather and engine exhaust. But that was a delicious surprise I was saving for later.

"Emmett's full of crap," I said bluntly and he laughed, pulling me into his side and squeezing me. "I can think of a handful of things we do together that don't even involve staying at home, let alone a book." I tried not to betray the contentment that was warming my limbs from his arms holding me to him securely but he squeezed tighter and I suspected that I wasn't being as secretive as I thought I was. It was hard to reign in my emotions when I was around him but it was well worth the effort; if he decided that a relationship wasn't something he wanted, I didn't want him to know just how much I wanted him.

The ride attendant beckoned the two people in front of us and then sent us to set in the two seats next to them. I climbed in and Jasper helped me pull the safety bar as far forward on my legs as it would go before securing his own bar -not that it was really necessary for him. I looked at him, feeling a little sick and he laughed before rubbing my hand reassuringly as it clung to the bar. I had seen what this ride did. You got in your seat, went through a tunnel and were rocketed literally straight up in the air and then you teetered there for a few seconds before falling at what I thought was a terrifyingly, alarming rate and looping around until you stopped. I was surprised my obvious fear wasn't making Jasper pee his pants.

"Why did I let you talk me into this again," I asked in a small, breathless voice. Jasper sighed and rolled his eyes with a smile.

"You'll enjoy this if you let yourself," he said tapping my nose. Suddenly the car lurched forward and my already tight grip on the safety bar tightened and my knuckles began to turn white. We curved around the tunnel and I gulped, praying to any deity listening to save me from dying, or at least throwing up. Jasper put his hand on mine and, were it not for the death grip I had on the safety bar and my fear of what would happen were I to let go, I would have gripped his hand in terror.

The car rocketed up into the daylight and I screamed, my back laying flat on the chair, watching the sky grow closer as the car slowed down. While some might have considered an added bonus to sitting in front, I found that the few seconds we spent hovering over the edge of the curve staring down one hundred and ten feet, was a completely unnecessary part of my riding experience. I screamed in exhilarated terror as we began to fall, catching speed and head for the ground only to curve up at the last moment and then going up and over a small airtime hill, braking slightly, before going up and quickly flipping around a sharp overbanked turn. The track leveled out, before we were sent up into a zero-G roll. We leveled out ant I hoped this was the end up but I was let down. We descended into a double half-pipe, then we twisted to the right, left, then into a right half downward helix, then twisting to the left, then descending back into the tunnel, before ascending and leveling out. The brakes hit suddenly and I was propelled forward into the bar before sitting back while the car moved back to its starting position.

I looked over at Jasper, feeling a little windblown and breathless. I laughed at the wide grin on his face. He looked at me and laughed at what I assumed was my wild hair and crazy eyes. He whooped as the bars released and helped me unsteadily move onto the platform and down the stairs.

"Wasn't that fun? I loved the part when they shot us up. Did you know that we were traveling at roughly 4.885 gs ascending the tower? Isn't that amazing? And coming down we were going about 55 mph which isn't all that fast but it seemed faster to everyone traveling in such a steep drop." I had to laugh at his enthusiasm. I never should have worried about Jasper being entertained; his vampiric nature couldn't stop him from absorbing and relishing in the emotions of us humans.

"It was... not horrible," I said after a moment, flashing a smile when he leveled me with an unamused look. "It was terrifying but surprisingly pleasant," I conceded. "What's next?" He smiled and towed me along to another ride.

The day passed like that and I was pleased to say that after three or four rides, I began to come out of my shell and pull him to a line. The feeling of falling and turning and flying was similar to vampires running only much slower. We tried every single adult ride they had and then went back for seconds and thirds on our favorites. I knew which Jasper's favorite was as soon as the ride took off. We were on the _Rocket: Blast Off_ waiting for our seats to be hundreds of feet from the ground when suddenly we were shooting upwards. I screamed in delight and suddenly I felt my thrill increased tenfold and turned to Jasper laughing hysterically. He was projecting the emotions of everyone on the ride and we locked eyes as we bounced from the top to the bottom of the ride until they finally pulled us down. The only ride to rival it was the _Re-Entry_, the _Rocket's_ sister ride which towed your seat to the top of the tower and then dropped you without warning. I found that these rides were the ones that Jasper got the emotion from, though I enjoyed the slow, carefree rides like _Rattlesnake Rapids_ which was a floating circle of seats that ran down an artificial river, occasionally becoming rough over whitewater runs and waterfalls. Jasper had been the unlucky recipient of sitting directly beneath the waterfall when we floated under and coming out completely soaked but enjoying my mirth over the entire experience. He got his revenge by grabbing me up in an encompassing, wet hug as soon as we were back on the sidewalk. I squealed and attempted to pull away from his iron grip. He laughed harder and lifted me, towing me down the path. I rested my forehead against his shoulder and sighed.

Today had been perfect. It was another wonderful example of the way Jasper was willing to push me out of my comfort zone and encourage me to try new things. I had found that while I would probably never be entirely comfortable with the rides that shot us into the air at speeds that jets achieved, I enjoyed the thrill that roller coasters gave me. It was something that I never would have even tried had Edward stuck around. I found myself almost grateful for his departure. If he had never left me alone in the woods again, I would never have known that I could be an excellent dancer. I would have never felt the satisfaction of climbing a mountain and finding the perfect footholds in the worn rock. I wouldn't have learned to garden or cook exotic foods. There were so many things that I found a deep joy and satisfaction doing that I had been too timid and fearful to try with Edward.

Jasper was good for me. He could protect me not only from my notorious magnet for trouble but from myself. He could tell when I was lying to myself and he called me on it, making me face my feelings and work through whatever problem I was having. He was a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold during a scary movie, a friend to share a good joke or a moving verse of text with. Without his company these past months, I would have gone absolutely crazy and probably been committed into a mental institution, going crazy over Alice's death. Jasper had literally saved me from myself.

I looked over at him, smiling fondly as I watched him while he tried to describe an extremely fast roller coaster that he and Emmett had gone on in United Arab Emirates. His expressions as he described the speed that even he and Emmett had enjoyed made my smile grow wider and he began to gesture with his hands as though hoping he could gesture it into reality before us. I laughed when he sighed and just shook his head, smiling. We walked along in comfortable and then I felt his hand slide into mine and his fingers interlace with mine. I looked down at our joined hands and then back up at him. He smiled affectionately and then grinned wider when he felt the thrill of joy running from our joined hands to my heart that beat any roller coaster in the park.


	12. Little Things

**My lovelies!**

**I am so humbly appreciative of all of the new followers, alert subscriptions, favorites and reviews (I can tell you of one night at work where I read each review as it came in chapter by chapter and remembered what it was like to experience this story all over again). THANK YOU! I love you guys! Ya'll seriously make my days brighter.**

**So, from what I can tell, you guys enjoyed our little lovebirds' first date! That is good because I won't lie; my biggest fear was doing their budding romance justice (since I have very little recent experience). I couldn't do the date from both of their perspectives (the only chapter that I did that with was the anniversary of Alice's death though I will whet your appetites and tell you that a later chapter (around 20, yes I plan on going to about thirty) will do the same thing. MAYBE.) so this chapter just seemed a natural way to end a beautiful day and bridge us into the post-first-date bliss (no spoilers for that one).**

**The song for this chapter is Little Things originally performed by One Direction (gag) but I chose the cover by Alex G. It's brilliant. **

**Disclaimer: I might not own Twilight or any of its affiliates, but I got this story and a million others in my head that could do just as well. Too bad I won't write them out. **

Chapter Twelve: Little Things

JPOV:

The Ferris wheel rose slowly, revealing the darkened valley, the shadows interrupted by points of light proclaiming civilization was out there. After today, it was almost too easy to lose myself in a world where only Bella and I existed. I pulled her closer to me, tucking my jacket more securely around her legs covering my lap. Her head rested peacefully on my chest and her arms were tucked into my side. Her breathing had slowed down, growing deep and even. I ran my fingers softly through her long, mahogany tresses enjoying the smooth feeling against my skin.

To say that today had been one of the best in my existence would have been putting it mildly. I could count on one hand the days that I cherished in this life. Today was right up there with the day that I found Alice. Bella has provided a varied number of emotions and when mixed with all the other people in the park, I had been on a kick that was equivalent to taking some sort of hallucinogenic drug. Being around Bella was heady in and of itself. I congratulated myself for bringing her here where I could feel what she was feeling with little reservation. Though I was sure she thought she was being subtle, I knew that Bella was keeping many things from me. I would start to taste a hint of an emotion before she would rein it in and box it up. It was similar to having just a drop of blood cross my lips and then having the bearer pull away. I think it was more maddening as her emotions than actual thirst.

I wondered what she was hiding. The small tastes that I had been privy to before her embarrassment coated everything like Novocain were hardly enough to let me know what was going on in her head and –more importantly –her heart. I could recognize some but I would lose the flavor before I could define it with confidence. She was elusive and I suspected that most of her emotions had something to do with me. I noticed that these little tastes happened more when I was around. I would smile and I would find myself teased with something sweet before she went numb from embarrassment. I recalled with fervor the occasion just a few days before and the emotions that had lingered between us before she could get a hold of herself.

_I was getting out of the shower after a hunting trip. I thought that Bella was still out in the garden working on the flower beds as she had been when I had returned from the mountains. Had I known otherwise, I might have deigned to enter the bathroom with a little more preparation. I was just leaving the bathroom. I had only bothered to tie a towel around my waist to make the trip from the bathroom to my bedroom. I hadn't even bothered to dry off completely, enjoying the warm water on my skin. I opened the bathroom door and was met by Bella's appearance outside the door._

_Her face when her eyes met mine was priceless. If I didn't have perfect recall, I would have snapped a picture. Her eyes widened perceptibly and her breathing became shallower, her cheeks flushed an appetizing red. The desire hit me and spread through my body like a wildfire in a woodland, making me feel positively human. Hell, I was probably closer to the one hundred and eight degrees of the Quileute wolves. I watched as Bella's eyes followed a water droplet inch its way down my torso and disappear under the towel. Her eyes snapped up to mine and I raised an eyebrow teasingly. She flushed deeper and walked quickly into her room, closing the door behind her. Had she had her wits about her, I doubt she would have whispered the next phrase. _

"_Oh holy panty dropper."_

I chuckled softly at the memory. I think that was my first big hint that Bella might harbor more than friendly feelings for me. I suspected that she did but when it came to Bella, I couldn't take anything for granted. She was far from normal in every aspect of the word. Her reactions always surprised me and yet I felt that they were completely natural. She wasn't the type to get all fluttery over something like a crush. She was witty and sarcastic, drawing me into a battle of wits as expertly as a master debater. I wondered often how Edward had lived with himself forcing her to be a quiet, docile, shy thing. Maybe she hadn't always been so opinionated; it could easily be a product of her new experiences in this sanctuary she had created for herself. Whatever the reason, I couldn't help but appreciate her humor and bravery. Not many could spar with me and come out on top.

My thoughts turned inevitably toward Alice. I had been thinking of her often since my newfound feelings for her former best friend had forced their way to acceptance. She had promised that I would find someone. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find that she was right… again. I remembered my skepticism at the revelation. But now, holding Bella in my arms, listening to her breathe slowly and recalling the past months that we had spent together with our considerable correspondence prior to that, it made perfect sense. Alice seemed to know that Bella and I fit together as well as Alice and I had, if not better.

Alice and I had disagreed on many topics. We often found ourselves pursing our individual amusements separately, coming together when the other was finished or grew bored. Bella and I had so many common interests, participated in so many activities together but never grew tired or bored of each other's company. I relished the nights we would curl up together with our books and share our favorite passages or simply read in silence, appreciating the silent but substantial presence the other offered. Bella wasn't afraid to seek thrills in activities that she hadn't yet tried. Alice had been interested in shopping and fashion. Any other activities were less enjoyed and more endured. I hadn't resented her for it, but it was a welcome change to share mutual excitement with Bella.

She was beautiful, body and soul. I couldn't believe that I had never noticed before. If I had been asked to describe the perfect companion in this endless and often monotonous existence, I would have undoubtedly described Bella. Having spent so much time with her, I wasn't sure that I could ever bear for us to be apart on any sort of a permanent basis. I didn't know what her feelings on joining our family in eternal life were after Edward's betrayal and I admitted to being too much of a coward to broach the topic with her. If she told me that she no longer desired to join us, I couldn't bear the pain. I could never force her but I would be damned if I didn't try and persuade her to change her mind. Life without her would be unbearable.

Bella stirred in my arms and I looked down at her as she rubbed her eyes blearily and then looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back, rubbing circles on her back while she stretched.

"I can't believe I fell asleep on our first date," she said in embarrassment. I smiled and tweaked her nose.

"I told you I was boring," I drawled sadly. She shook her head, laughing and I relished in the carefree sound. The gondola we had been riding in made its final descent to the base of the ride and we prepared to get off. I took her hand, helping her step onto the platform, keeping her hand in mine as we made a final walk through the park. She was quiet but not awkward. It was the silence that we often enjoyed when completely content. As I moved to help her into the car, she stopped me.

"I want to take a picture of us," she explained, a slow blush rising to her cheeks. I smiled and obliged as she pulled out her phone and held it out in front of us. We moved closer and I smiled at the camera, my mind flashing through a million possibilities of how long we would keep this photo, if it would be our 'first date' picture, reflected on often and the catalyst for many more memories to be made. She slipped her phone into her pocket and climbed into the car. I moved to the driver side and pulled out of the parking lot and onto the freeway. She grabbed my hand as soon as we were traveling at a consistent speed and I felt her heart speed up when her skin touched mine. I smiled to myself, suddenly impatient and nervous for tonight's close.

Should I kiss her?


	13. Kissed You (Goodnight)

**Merry Christmas, dear readers! Thank you once again for all the reviews, follows, favorites and support of my little fic here. I love those emails more than real mail (which is saying something.)**

**Many of you answered Jasper's question with YES (duh, what else would you do, are you brain dead, etc.). So as a little Christmas/ whatever-it-is-that-you-choose-to-observe present, I am giving you chapter thirteen!**

**The song for this chapter is Kissed You (Goodnight) originally performed by Gloriana. The version I am using is by Tiffany Alvord. **

**Disclaimer: Tomorrow I will open presents and finally own SOMETHING… but not rights to Twilight. **

Chapter Thirteen: Kissed You (Goodnight)

BPOV:

I couldn't sit still.

The closer we got to home, the more I felt like I had a herd of stampeding rhinos in my stomach. My heart was skipping erratically and I was sure my face was now permanently a bright, cherry red. My hands fidgeted nervously in my lap. Today had been wonderful, even better than I had thought possible. Falling asleep on the Ferris wheel had been an embarrassing fumble in an otherwise perfect day, but Jasper didn't seem to mind. Now, as we drove in silence –except for the drum corps my heart was obviously imitating –I was wracked with uncertainty. Did I kiss him goodnight? Would he still stay in bed with me tonight? Was he expecting a kiss? Was I reading too much into it?

I looked down as I felt his cold hand slide over mine. My eyes met his and he smiled as my hands stilled under his touch and my heart sped up. He slid his fingers between mine, his thumb rubbing comforting circles on mine.

"You okay," he asked quietly. I grabbed the hand holding mine and squeezed it firmly.

"Yeah," I said with false bravado. "Sorry, I guess I must still be half asleep."

"I told you I was boring," he teased. I laughed a little too shrilly and stopped myself before I began to bray like a donkey.

"You are far from boring," I said. "I think it's because I feel so comfortable around you." He chuckled.

"Your heart would argue otherwise at the moment," he said softly, his eyes smoldering as they met mine. I gulped and he chuckled lowly. My stomach tightened.

"Well, I'm sure if you had a heartbeat, I'd be making yours race too," I murmured. I turned a brighter shade of red as he began laugh softly. "What I mean is that, you just get me excited." Really? Was that any better? Why not just say 'Oh hello, Jasper, you make my girly bits all nice and tingly when you smile and when you touch me, the only think I can think of is all the ways to get your clothes off of you so that I can jump you'. Yeah, that would go over really well. My mind suddenly conjured the image of Jasper standing in the bathroom doorway in nothing but a towel wrapped loosely over his hips, a bead of water trickling down his abs and under the towel. Suddenly, the car was a little too hot.

"Really," he murmured quietly, his eyes sparkling with amusement. I just nodded, unable to form a coherent thought with the image of his towel wrapped body in the forefront of my thoughts. He turned up the drive to the cabin and my trepidation increased. We were getting closer and closer to the house, to the moment when I had to decide what to do. What if he didn't even want to kiss? He was from the Civil War and the dating customs back then were a lot stricter. Like no kissing until you were engaged. But I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't want to appear to forward or push him into anything he would regret or didn't want to do.

My brain was starting to hurt.

Jasper parked the car and helped me out, holding my hand as he led me up the porch to the front door. Once inside, I hung up my jacket and he led me to my bedroom door. He stopped outside, almost like you would at someone's front door.

"Today was wonderful," he said, holding both of my hands in his against his chest.

"It was. I'm glad we went." I was too terrified of messing the entire day up to come up with anything wittier to say. His eyes searched mine but whatever he saw there made him smile slightly.

He leaned forward and I closed my eyes. I felt his lips brush softly against my forehead…

And he stepped back. I opened my eyes in confusion but he was already starting to walk towards the den.

"I'll let you get ready for bed then. Goodnight, Bella," he said, placing a kiss to my palm.

"Oh. Right. Goodnight," I said uncertainly. He walked away and I entered my room slowly, closing the door behind me. I leaned against the wood and frowned at my room, suddenly a lot less comforting or welcome without Jasper in it. I began my nightly routine, moving through the motions while my thoughts were focused on interpreting why he hadn't kissed me. Did he not want to? Did he think _I_ didn't want to? As I brushed my teeth, I stared at myself in the mirror. With my flushed cheeks and bright eyes, I looked healthy and alive and kind of beautiful. I was suddenly filled with a strange, empowering confidence. I spit the toothpaste into the sink, rinsed my mouth out and marched out of the bathroom. I yanked open my bedroom door and walked down the hall to the den where Jasper had a fire going. While the days were getting warmer, the nights were still plenty cool in the mountains.

Jasper was standing in front of the fire, staring into the burning depths. He didn't turn as I walked resolutely up behind him, my courage waning slightly with uncertainty when he didn't acknowledge my presence. I walked up behind him and took a deep a breath. I stepped in front of him and his eyes snapped to mine, the familiar furrow that declared deep thought pulling his brows together. I saw confusion sweep across his face as I stood up on my tiptoes, put my arms around his neck and tugged his head closer to mine.

Our lips met and he felt stiff under my touch for the briefest second before one arm wrapped around my waist, pulling my body flush with his while the other hand moved to my jaw, tilting my head toward his tenderly, his fingers tangling my hair. His lips were cold and insistent but it wasn't like kissing a statue. He molded his lips to meet mine and our lips moved earnestly against each other, filling my veins with bubbly fire that raced through my body, making every centimeter of skin blissfully aware of what it was touching. My chest pressed against his, his thighs against mine, his arm around my waist, playing with the portion of exposed skin from where my nightshirt rode up.

He moaned and I gasped. It was all the invitation he needed. His tongue slipped over my lips and into my mouth and my tongue met his, unwilling to let him explore without some exploring of my own. Our tongues danced around each other teasingly and I groaned at the tightening in my stomach, our bodies, already so close but not nearly close enough. I felt him propel me backwards without breaking our kiss until the wall was at my back and I was lifted up to wrap my legs around his waist. Braced between the wall and his solid body, he let both his hands caress my face and move down my sides in exploration. His lips moved from my lips to press lovingly over my cheeks and eyelids and nose and pretty much anywhere Jasper could put them. I sighed softly and threaded my fingers into his curly hair. He groaned and I tugged his mouth back to mine where we began our insistent war of domination again.

I finally pulled back, resting my forehead against his shoulder while he placed kisses to my bare shoulder. I clung to him, pulling him as close to me as I could. Our movements slowed until he stood there holding me, both of us struggling to get our breathing under control. I leaned back and our eyes met. He smiled and I felt the corners of my mouth curve up in response.

"And here I was trying to be a gentleman," he teased, placing a soft kiss to my jaw. I hummed in pleasure.

"You have to watch out for those crazed women. They'll kiss you out of nowhere," I whispered, scarping my teeth over his neck gently. He hissed and his arms clamped around me.

"Bella, as much pleasure as this gives me –and believe me, drinking blood doesn't even come close to what you are doing to me –I think it's time for bed," he whispered. I smiled to myself and slid, slowly, inch by painful inch to the ground. His suddenly belabored breathing caused my smile to grow and I began to walk out of the room, more of a sashay to my step than normal. I was suddenly hoisted into his arms.

"You asked for it, you little tease," he said, breezing into my room and depositing me on the bed for jumping down next to me.

**Meeeeerrrrrryyyyy Christmas :D **


	14. Chasing Cars to Fix You

**Hello lovelies. **

**I apologize (again) for the late update. Real life has once again gotten in the way. My daughter had surgery. I had every germ that reared its ugly head. I filed for divorce. Pretty much if it was possible, it happened.**

**Holy Hannah that was the most enthusiastic bunch of reviews I have ever received. I think you guys also broke a record for follows and favorites! Woot! I am really excited because we are getting into some of my favorite chapters! You guys loved the first date and first kiss, but there are things to address!**

**So I know that I said that the only chapter that would be a split POV chapter was the anniversary of Alice's death but as I was starting to write this, I realized that just wasn't going to work. Because I couldn't just do it from Bella's point of view because Jasper's is so important for this chapter. So sorry for those of you who don't enjoy the split view but this is seriously one of the most intense chapters I will be writing. **

**The songs for this chapter are Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol (though I wrote to the Grey's Anatomy Cast recording of it. I love that acoustic sound) and Fix You originally by Coldplay but I did the cover by Boyce Avenue featuring Tyler Ward. I love those guys.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Seriously, I might have to move into an ice cave after this. **

Chapter Fourteen: Chasing Cars to Fix You

BPOV:

I squinted my eyes, peering through the windshield, trying to see past the torrential rains hitting my windshield. The weather was horrible and had it not been for my promise to pick Jasper up from the airport, I would be curled up in front of the fireplace with a book and a mug of tea. As it was, I had promised Jasper last night that I would come pick him up from the airport and then he would take me to dinner when he flew in today. He had been in New York taking care of some business with one of the many companies that he owned or had stocks in or whatever it was that the rich, undead did.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to see Jasper. I was excited to see him. Things had been so easy between us since that kiss and I enjoyed spending time with him whenever I could. It hadn't taken me too long to get over the worry and embarrassment I felt after that night. After our heated kisses, it had nearly killed me to tell him that I didn't feel right about sleeping with him yet. He was gorgeous and wonderful and wasn't telling me that he was worried about killing me -which in any other situation probably should have been a cause for alarm, but I think Jasper had more control than Edward did- and yet I couldn't help but feel like we were rushing things. It didn't feel right yet. I knew that Jasper wasn't the kind to just fall into bed with a woman but I had my reservations without a declaration of our feelings. And it was just too soon for that.

He'd been understanding and had even agreed. For a few days afterwards, I had been embarrassed when our kisses became passionate, worried that he was going to push me into something. It was a stupid fear and I realized that almost as soon as I acknowledged my fear. Jasper would never push me into anything that I wasn't comfortable with and he would know. He always knew. And so we settled into a routine, enjoying each other's company as always only with the added excitement of soft touches and shared kisses. It was an almost perfect existence and the only thing that could have perfected it would have been if it had been permanent and I knew how he felt about me. I knew that I wasn't just a 'bit of fluff' to pass the time but I also knew that not all relationships ended in happily ever afters.

So I was out driving in what had to be hurricane conditions -though that was not possible since Utah is landlocked- to the airport to pick him up. I had the windshield wipers running as fast as they could and I still could barely see anything out of my window. I briefly wondered if I shouldn't pull over and wait for the storm to pass or at least for the torrential rains to abate. But I knew that if I wasn't at the airport when Jasper got off his plane, he would worry and automatically assume the worst had happened to me and freak out. The aftermath of Jasper's worry was not a pleasant experience. It was like having him surgically attached to my hip and not always in a good way. So I kept driving, desperately trying to see through the wall of water pouring from the heavens. I occasionally saw brake lights and I would tap my brakes in response but I mostly just heard other cars passing me.

I heard the horn honking but I couldn't have told you where it came from. I looked around, desperately trying to find the source of the sound and I stepped on my brakes to try and avoid a collision should the car be in front of me. The next thing I knew there was a crash and blinding pain on my left side. Everything was black and hazy, moving in and out of focus. I could feel something digging into my side and pain in my head, but it was distant, foggy. I heard the sound of people shouting and horns honking and I tried to move my head around to find the source of the commotion but my head and neck weren't responding really. My head felt heavy and I could feel something hot sliding down my face and neck into my shirt. I was numbly aware of someone coming and talking to me, yelling around me but I couldn't seem to make my mouth respond. The words formed in my mind but they couldn't make it past my throat.

What happened?

There was blackness and then I felt myself being pulled from my car. The sharp pain that had been digging into my side was actually my car door. The window was shattered, as was the back. I remember wondering if Carlisle and Esme would be upset that I had wrecked the Audi they had given me but it was brief. People were poking and prodding me, shining a light n my eyes and strapping me to a stretcher. My vision was neon. Everything was too bright, too sharp. Except the sounds. Everything sounded fuzzy like I was hearing it from underwater or like they were at the other end of a very long corridor. I was vaguely aware of being moved but then I blacked out again.

Before I lost consciousness, I thought about Jasper's face when I wouldn't be there to pick him up.

Crap.

JPOV:

I stepped off the plane gratefully and pretended to stretch my neck and arms. It was such a natural part of the human charade now that I rarely had to think about it. It was almost second nature. I walked slowly, pulling my carryon bag behind me as I moved through the crowds towards security where I knew Bella would be waiting for me. I arms literally ached with the need to hold her and feel her warm, soft body and wet heartbeat against me. I'd only been gone a week but we'd talked every night on the phone and if it hadn't been for the fact that the man I normally put in charge of my business affairs was in the hospital having triple bypass surgery, I wouldn't have left her for something like business. But that was just the way the chips fell this time. I had flown to New York, completed my business in the speediest time possible and then hopped on the first plane out of the airport to Salt Lake City.

I looked for Bella as I approached the area that was deemed safe for people to wait. I listened for her heartbeat, sniffed for her blood but I felt my heart drop as nothing but alien smells and sounds assaulted. I looked out the windows and noticed the onslaught of rain that was pounding against the building. Maybe she was late because of the road conditions. I immediately began to worry about her driving in such conditions. No, she had to be here. She would have called if she had been unable to make it. She wouldn't have let me worry. Bella said that when I worried, I was like a dog peeing on a tree to mark its territory. She wouldn't have put me through this unless it was something important. I pulled out my phone and turned it on, waiting impatiently for the screen to light up and open on my menu. A new voicemail dinged and I pressed the send button and laid the phone to my ear.

"You have one new message. First unheard message," the voicemail voicebot told me before an unfamiliar voice came on the line.

"Hello Mr. Whitlock, this is Karen, I'm an ER nurse at University of Utah Medical Center. I'm calling because you are currently listed as the emergency contact for Isabella Swan. If you could give me a call as soon as you get this, we would appreciate it." Had my heart been beating, it surely would have stopped in that moment. I sped out of the airport and began to run, my carryon bag a forgotten nuisance behind me. In this rain, I had little chance of being spotted though in this moment, the only concern I had was for Bella. The U of U Medical Center was not the nearest hospital to the airport but it was a level one trauma center, which meant she needed the best and she needed it fast. The rain pounded against my skin as I sped through the streets of the city to the east bench of the Wasatch Mountains, a million scenarios running through my head of what could have happened to Bella.

I burst through the emergency room doors moments later, dripping water and frantically searching for Bella. The smell of blood didn't even faze me as people bled around me from all sides. I approached the desk frantically, barking out Bella's name and asking what had happened.

"Mr. Whitlock, I need you to calm down," the same voice from the voicemail said to me. I turned around and saw a short, woman with flyaway hair and a bloody surgical dress. I sniffed.

Bella. It was her blood.

"Where is she?" I asked through clenched teeth. Karen didn't seem to be frightened of my harsh tone.

"Miss Swan was in a car accident on I-215. A truck lost control and started hydroplaning and hit her car on the driver's side. She has several crushed ribs, several injuries sustained from broken glass, a broken arm and a crushed leg. Her hip was fractured but the doctor's are working on her now. She had a piece of glass enter her thoracic cavity and surgeons are working right now to remove it without piercing her heart or an artery." Her words swirled around my head. I was having trouble processing what she was saying.

"Was there any brain trauma," I asked weakly.

"She has a pretty bad concussion but it doesn't look like her brain was injured. Doctors are still waiting for her surgery to finish so they can continue to work on her. She lost a lot of blood and they've had to do two transfusions already. Meanwhile, if you'd like to sit in the waiting room, I'll keep you updated on their progress. Is there anyone I can call for you?" I shook my head and moved over to the waiting room filled with people who's loved ones had also suffered some sort of accident. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and hit the three on speed dial. He picked up on the first ring.

"Jasper?"

"Carlisle, you have to come. Now. Bella got in a car accident."

"What happened?" I quickly ran through all of her injuries, speaking so fast it was almost a buzz. Carlisle listened and I heard him grabbing a bag and instructing Esme to call the airport for the family jet.

"I'm on my way. I'll be there in a few hours."

"Thank you," I whispered. He disconnected and I went bag to pacing, my hands pulling at the roots of my hair. I couldn't stand just sitting here while Bella was upstairs fighting for her life. Why had I agreed to let her come pick me up?! In weather like this, her vision was impaired and her reflexes were already humorously slow without the added strain of trying to see through this rain and control a car that was likely to hydroplane at any moment. I kept pacing, ignoring the concerned looks from the people around me. I tried to listen for Bella's heartbeat but there were so many humans in the building I had no way to differentiate. Nurses and interns came and updated me every hour and eight hours later, they finally announced that they had successfully removed the shard of glass from her chest and she was in recovery, still under the influence of the anesthetic. Despite my best effort to convince them to let me see her, they refused until she came out of the anesthesia. That didn't seem likely to happen since they planned on more surgeries for her arm and leg.

I was certain that if Carlisle hadn't shown up shortly after Bella got out of surgery, I would have gone mad. He arrived and approached a nurse about Bella. He told her he was Bella's primary physician and got her charts. I wasn't allowed to see them but he recited them to me after they'd been handed back. It was unbearable, knowing that Carlisle could see her, that she was only floors away from me, and being unable to see her.

I finally resigned myself to sitting in the waiting room after Carlisle told me that she had gone into surgery again after her vitals were stable. There was too much damage from the accident for me to expect a quick fix, despite my desire for it to be so. Carlisle scrubbed in on her last two surgeries, hoping to use his abilities to give Bella the best chance possible. I grabbed a cup of poor quality coffee from the cafeteria and pretended to sip it periodically until I heard news. I berated myself about letting Bella drive to get me. I didn't know what I would do if she didn't come out of this. I recalled and relived our relationship over and over in my mind, having different conversations, making different decisions. Our awkward friendship had grown from a mutual love of Alice to the strong, valued love we now shared.

I loved her.

The realization struck me like a bolt of lightning.

I was in love with Bella Swan.

And she didn't know.


	15. Awake

**I'm baaaaaack!**

**I absolutely love all of you! Seriously, I loved the reviews and the alerts! All of it! You guys make me so happy when you give feedback (and for those of you who are lurky readers, I love you too. I know you're there :D )**

**So I know that I kind of left you guys cliffied… sort of. Poor Jasper, he has not handled our poor Bella's recovery and accident well, has he. But then again, he's used to instant (ish) gratification. And it might have been better if he had been able to see her. The imagination is a dangerous place. I know I tend to think of the most drastic and horrible outcome when left to myself. Seriously, guys never tell me that you need to tell me something and then leave me hanging. I will assume the worst.**

**The song for this chapter is Awake by Secondhand Serenade. To be honest, I had Secrets by OneRepublic picked out and even wrote the chapter to Beethoven's 5 Secrets by the Piano Guys on repeat while I wrote because I loved the climatic build of the song but it didn't feel right. I knew there were songs that would work but I couldn't find any. Until, like a light bulb, I remembered that SS did some awesome builds like in a Twist In My Story (which I will have to use in another fic) and thus I stumbled across Awake and remembered how much I loved it and realized it was perfect for this chapter. Seriously, could the title be any more appropriate?**

**Disclaimer: I don't anything worth owning. I am noticing that I own an alarming amount of loose leaf paper, notebooks and binders with scrawled ideas on them. I think I need to see someone about that.**

Chapter Fifteen: Awake

BPOV

My eyes felt heavy.

The rest of my body felt weighted with lead. My head was fuzzy as I struggled to tell my eyes to open. I could hear mumbled whispers near me and a slow rhythmic beeping.

A familiar beeping.

The room smelled of heavy astringent and that other harsh scent that makes up a hospital. Germs, perhaps? It was a smell that I was overly familiar with. Why was I in the hospital? My mind was having trouble lifting itself from the heavy fog of what I assumed were pain meds. I thought back as far as my memory would take me.

I was going somewhere… in the car.

The airport. I was going to the airport.

Why was I going to the airport?

I remembered blearily that it had been raining, torrentially. My visibility was poor. I was driving through the rain and then I heard the horns honking.

Oh God.

I had been in an accident.

It all flooded back into my head. The car hitting me on the side, crushing my leg and arm. The pain in my head. The hot, metallic smell of blood as it coursed down my face and neck before seeping into my shirt; the bleary voices of the paramedics; the feeling of floating that I experienced before my eyes shut and I fell into a dark slumber. Why had I been driving in rains that impaired my vision? What could be important enough to risk it? If Jasper found out…

Jasper.

Jasper!

My eyes flew open and I blinked them rapidly to try and dispel the blurriness and sharpen my focus. The white tile ceiling stared down at me. I looked around frantically, my neck confined to the bed. I began to panic as I realized I couldn't move my head, arm or leg. I felt like my chest had been crushed by an anvil, the weight of the world pressing on my heart. I heard the monitors began to increase in my alarm before the sound of chair legs scraping against tile registered and suddenly there he was.

His blonde hair was in complete disarray with the look of fingers abusing it frequently. His eyes had shadows under them and were the dark golden that was almost onyx and filled with panic and worry and finally relief. He pressed a cold hand to the side of my head and I nearly cried in relief. The small smile of relief that curved his lips calmed my racing heart and I reached for him with my unobstructed arm.

"Hey," he said softly, smiling and looking over every inch of my face worriedly.

"Hi," I rasped out, my throat thick with morphine and disuse.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a bus. And then trampled by rhinos. And then abused by elephants."

"Do you remember what happened," he asked gently.

"I was coming to get you. It was raining and I could barely see. I heard horns honking and then I was hit. Everything after that is a little fuzzy."

"You ran a red light on Bangerter Highway. A truck hydroplaned into you. You were in pretty bad shape. They LifeFlighted you here to University of Utah Medical Center. You've been in and out of surgery for almost three days. There was a piece of glass near your heart. And your leg was broken in several places, as well as your arm. You cut your head open and got pretty bad whiplash," he said seriously, grabbing my good hand and squeezing gently.

"Wow, you make it sound like I almost didn't make it," I said, half joking. His face remained somber.

"You almost didn't," said a familiar voice after Jasper remained silent for several minutes. I moved my eyes over to meet Carlisle's smiling face. I smiled at him.

"Carlisle, what are you doing here?" He smiled and came closer, checking my monitors.

"Jasper called me. And for good reason, too. The surgeons here are very talented but your injuries were extensive and I was able to lend my skills and expertise to helping to save your life."

"I guess I should thank you," I said quietly. He patted my shoulder.

"No thanks needed. We would all be devastated if anything happened to you, Bella." He patted my shoulder one last time and then nodded to Jasper and left, mumbling something about calling Esme.

I looked back to Jasper, who was staring at me like if he took his eyes off of me for a second I would disappear.

"Say something," I mumbled after a few minutes. He was probably angry. I was clumsy in the most perfect of conditions and to risk myself in such imperfect conditions was sure to merit some frustration at the least.

"Bella, I… That was… Do you have any idea what I would have done if you had died? What I would have become?" My eyes widened and I shook my head almost imperceptibly, as much as the neck brace would allow. He swallowed and clenched his eyes shut as though fighting back tears I knew could never fall. His hand gripped mine and I stared into face, concern and worry flooding into my heart and making my tense up. He opened his eyes and stared into mine for several minutes.

Suddenly, he leaned forward and kissed my lips, holding my head softly as his lips brushed over mine passionately and I could feel it. I could feel every ounce of worry and heartache he had felt while he waited for the doctors to fix me, to save me. I felt the frustration and self loathing he had experience while he punished himself for putting me in a position where I had become injured. But what surprised me most was that I felt the strong, ardent adoration and love that seemed to pour out of his heart and race through his veins like fire, hot and all consuming, changing everything in its path. This love engulfed him, ached to be free, to shine out of his pores and consume me and everything around us.

I did the only thing I could when faced with such a stunning discovery. I opened myself up and let him feel it, that same glowing fire that raced through my veins at the mere thought of him, the love that threatened to engulf me in delicious flames and flared whenever his skin brushed against mine. I poured out all the trust and respect that I had for him, the extreme gratitude that I had that he had willingly opened himself to me and helped me not only heal, but find my truest friend and confidant, the man that I would die for. I let him feel the deep stirrings in my gut that seemed to run straight to my heart, charging it with insatiable desire and need.

He groaned into my mouth as we kissed to the sound of my heart monitors going on the blitz. My good arm wrapped around his neck, pulling him as close as he could get with an arm encased in plaster and a leg done up the same way and elevated. His hands moved to my waist, squeezing gently, before pulling towards him. I gasped in pain and broke our kiss, my breath labored from the pain mingled with the strength of feeling that was flowing through me.

"Sorry," he whispered, brushing his fingertips lightly over my hip. "I forgot to mention you hurt your hip." I chuckled breathlessly at the beautiful smile that graced his face. In this moment, he almost seemed to glow with elation. I smiled at him and we both laughed softly. He brushed his fingers over my forehead, brushing hair back and behind my ear. Goosebumps trailed down my arms and legs, heightening my senses.

"I love you," he whispered before brushing his lips softly against mine.

"I've been waiting for you to say that," I teased before reclaiming his lips.

"And," he asked, his face mere millimeters from mine.

"Well…," I said, trailing off and looking thoughtful. He pressed his lips to mine forcefully and once he was finished, I smiled and brushed my fingertips over his cheekbone. "It was superior to perfect," I whispered. He smiled and mirrored my actions, brushing the back of his fingers over my cheek.

"I worried I'd lost you," he whispered, resting his forehead against mine. I sighed, drinking in this moment.

"Never," I whispered. "I will never leave you." He stared at me and then kissed my nose.

I pulled him over onto my good side and he stretched out on the hospital bed next to me, draping his arm gently across my obviously injured ribs and pressing soft kisses into my hair. My good arm was over his, our fingers tangling in a perfect blend of soft and hard, warm and cold, his thumb brushing over mine. I hummed contentedly and felt sleep begin to pull at the edges of my consciousness.

"Jasper," I mumbled as slumber began to creep in and engulf my thoughts.

"Yes, darlin'?"

"I love you, too," I whispered and felt him chuckle and press a light kiss to my forehead.

"About time you said it," he whispered and I drifted off to sleep with a soft smile on my face and the unmistakable scent of bliss surrounding me.


	16. Country Girl (Shake It For Me)

**Guys! I have discovered the most wonderful thing. Usually, I don't spend a lot of time on my account stuff unless I'm getting links for my favorites to reread (I should really go back to printing them out). But last chapter, I noticed that they have this cool traffic graph thing. It peaked my curiosity (like a big, red button :D) and when I clicked on it, it told me how many views and visitors my chapter/story/stories got but that's not the best part (though thanks guys. I'm looking at over a thousand views in 24 hours and over 300 visitors in the same time!). The best part is it tells me what countries my fic is being read in! Since then I have constructed a little world map with all the countries marked to remind me that you guys are awesome (and cheesy as it is, that we are scattered and different but we share a common love… which in this case is me. Which is just weird).**

**So thanks for the love. I know the last couple of chapters were a bit rough. I am normally NOT a make-Bella-have-a-terrible-accident kind of writer but I needed a catalyst. Originally it was a boating accident. That one just didn't work out for me. Water is so unpredictable. And many of you asked me if this would prompt Jasper to change Bella. So let me tell you how I feel about that. I think that *if* Bella gets changed, it won't be because she's about to die or something. Jasper just wouldn't do that, not unless she asked and even then I would feel funny about the sword-hanging-over-her transformation. It presents too many adjustment issues. Nope, if I change Bella, it definitely won't be because she's about to die. **

**Also, I just have to tell you, someone! I don't read a lot of new fics. I'm pretty picky and pretty set in my ways. But I recently decided to pay a visit to the Castle fandom… I'm officially addicted to a lovely little fic called Spiral Bound by Dmarx. If any of you are Castle fans (and who isn't? I mean, come on, Nathan Fillion? Yes and please) definitely go check this out. It is canon and sweet and new and familiar all at once. I am hooked. And it's 100 chapters (they are relatively short). **

**PS Did y'all know there's a fanfiction app?! Life changed.**

**The song for this chapter (do you guys even listen to them or am I just weird?) is Country Girl (Shake It For Me) by Luke Bryan (so many words that I want to associate with him). It was tough but I chose this one.**

**Disclaimer: [Insert witty and original thought pertaining to the fact that I own nothing, least of all these characters, but that I own something completely useless and worthless]**

Chapter Sixteen: Country Girl (Shake It For Me)

JPOV:

This was taking forever.

I sat on the porch swing impatiently, shifting every few minutes as the impatience ate at Bella's strict warning swirling around my head. Before she disappeared, she ordered that I needed to just sit here and wait, eyes closed. She'd been gone for five minutes, forty-two seconds.

I was going crazy.

Bella's recovery had taken a grueling, painful, exhausting ten weeks. When she'd had the casts taken off her leg and arm three days ago the first thing she did was blasted music from her iPod and started an impromptu dance party with me. We danced every dance she knew and some she didn't: tango, swing, line, waltz, foxtrot, Paso Doble, anything that made her move her arm and her leg. At one point she busted out the Harlem Shake. The dances were amazing, her bright, relieved face smiling at me as we moved across the den floor, the furniture stacked quickly up against the walls as I hurried to comply with her demands.

I loved seeing her so happy and free again. She had been short tempered and downright pessimistic when she was confined to her bed or her wheelchair. I thought she was going to burst a vein in her head when Carlisle insisted that Esme come and stay with us to help her do personal things like shower and use the bathroom. Bella hated being so helpless, especially for that amount of time. She didn't resent Esme for helping her but the hassle and extra steps that had to be taken to do basic things frustrated her. Whenever I saw her losing her patience and nearing the end of her rope, I would gently carry her to the car and we would drive somewhere to get out of the house. Esme was very understanding and as soon as Bella had her cast off, she left with Carlisle to head back to Forks. She understood that Bella and I needed alone time.

I could hear the rumbling of an engine as it moved up the driveway. I wasn't overly familiar with the engine itself, though experience and a close relationship with Rosalie told me that it was smaller than a car. It grew closer and though I was tempted to peek, I had promised Bella and I would comply with that. I could hear the engine growing louder and could smell the metal and fumes and, oddly, leather. The engine cut and I couldn't help it. I had to look.

Oh holy hell.

I was not prepared for the sight that met my eyes.

Bella was straddling a beautiful, sleek, black motorcycle with the familiar and chill inducing Ducati stamped across it. Her head was encased in a black helmet and she was dressed in black leather pants and jacket with riding boots. Her hands were encased in black riding gloves and as I watched, she took the gloves off and removed her helmet. Her long, mahogany hair swept to one shoulder, shining in the sunlight. She turned to me and gave me a saucy grin as she continued to dismount the machine.

Did she know what she was doing to me?

She had to.

She was an evil tease.

She sauntered towards me and I managed to convince my feet to move towards her.

"Hey," she said casually, cocking a hand on her hip. My mouth went dry.

"Hi," I said. "So this is the big surprise, huh?"

"Yeah, I started taking lessons a few months before the accident. I wanted to surprise you."

"Oh, I am definitely surprised," I said, smiling at her. She blushed in the sunlight and I listened as her heart accelerated.

"Rose got me the riding gear and Emmett got me the bike. He said it was a 'I'm-really-happy-you-didn't-die-or-become-paralyz ed gift'."

"Remind me to send them a thank you note," I murmured. She grinned.

"I was wondering if you wanted to take a ride," she asked, voice confident, a complete contrast to the shy blush that was covering her skin.

Well that gave me ideas.

"I mean, I just thought I could show you how well it handles."

That wasn't any better.

"Jasper," she said and my eyes turned from their inward exploration of all the images and situations this situation could lead to back to her. "I have somewhere I would like to take you. I made some plans and I want you to come with me."

Had I always had the mind of a thirteen year old boy?

"Sure," I said and I watched as she donned her gear and stretched her leg over to straddle the bike again. I hopped on behind her, holding her around her middle gently, since if I fell or we crashed, damage wasn't a huge concern for me. She started the bike and I began to count slowly down from a million as the bike purred to life beneath us. She switched the gear and we began moving down the driveway.

After a half hour of driving on the highway, Bella's body, warmed by the now set sun and leather pressed against me, relief presented itself in the form of a driveway filled with cars while music poured from behind a house. I could smell wood smoke and see the flickering of flames behind the house as Bella parked and cut the engine. She climbed off the bike and I felt my control weaken at the sight of the leather molding to her body.

This was going to be a very long night.

She took my hand and led me around the back of the house where several people were socializing around a fire with some trucks parked nearby, speakers blasting out music. Bella smiled as some of the people began to greet us. I recognized a few from her dance class and assumed the rest were mutual acquaintances. She pulled me over to where the drink stand was and grabbed herself a beer. I tried to contain my surprise; Bella usually forewent the alcohol. But the party spirit was seeping its way into me and I could feel myself loosen up and begin to feel the elation of the guests lift my mood. Bella and I sat in some lawn chairs and she immediately struck up conversation with some of the people around us. I watched mesmerized as she interacted, so at ease, so different from the cripplingly shy girl I had first known.

After Bella had had about three beers, one of her friends turned the already pounding music up louder and called for Bella. She laughed and got to her feet, motioning for me to stay there. Several girls formed a group and began to move in rhythm with the music. I noticed after a few moments that they were in sync and realized this must be a routine they practiced at the dance studio. Bella moved around, swinging her hips, a carefree, sexy smile on her face as she watched me. I could feel my pants getting tighter.

She moved and I was in awe of her. She was graceful and beautiful and this confident, sexy, teasing side of her made me only fall harder for her. Shy Bella was adorable and endearing and Angry Bella was passionate and fierce but Sexy Bella was all of the above and more. She knew exactly what she was doing to me, watched my every move as she danced with her friends. I could almost literally feel my heart growing in size to adjust for this new side of the woman I loved. And in this moment, she was all woman.

After the song ended, Bella staggered over to me, breathless and whispering to me for us to leave. I complied only too happily and helped her to the motorcycle. I slid onto the seat and then moved so that she was straddling me, her arms entwined around my neck and the helmet securely on her head. I started the engine and we made our way back home. The entire drive she mumbled promises and propositions for when we got home and I realized that even at thirty over the speed limit, I still wasn't fast enough.

When we got home, I swung her off the bike and carried her into the house. I deposited her on her bed and began to remove the riding gear, tossing it by the door. As soon as I'd finished with her boots, she lifted her head to look at me.

"Jasper," she whispered. "Would you grab me a glass of water?" I kissed her eagerly and then left to get the requested beverage.

Luck was not in my favor.

When I returned to the room minutes later, Bella was laying on her stomach, her hair splayed across the pillows, eyes closed and breathing deeply in slumber. I stood there, waiting for the disappointment and anger to come. Instead, as I watched her face relax and the small whuffling noises of her breath hitting the pillowcase, disturbing tendrils of her hair in the process, I felt adoration warm me completely. She was beautiful, and I knew that maybe tonight wouldn't be the night that we shared everything with each other but that I had as many days as I wanted with her, to watch her sleep and wake up.

I was completely devoted to her.

And I needed to do something about it.


	17. The House That Built Me

**I love that I get from you guys. I am so grateful for all of you. These past couple of weeks have been so incredibly difficult. Seriously. You're reviews and follows and just the views without any sort of acknowledgment have been huge in bolstering my mood. I love you guys. I don't know you, but I think I love you. (That's awkward.)**

**I've been trying to get all of the chapters written ahead of time in my spare time, but it's hard to find my voice sometimes. But no worries because you guys seem to still think I got it.**

**How about a little trip home? The song title for this chapter is The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert. I love this song. It makes me all reminiscent and stuff. Sappy, emotional stuff.**

**PS guys, I know that I say this almost every other chapter, but I am going to change my penname. I'm thinking wordynerd. So don't be alarmed if you see stuff pop up from me.**

**Disclaimer: I have the Castle books and Stargate: Atlantis the complete series and lots of books (sooooo many books) but I don't own the rights to these characters or their environment. Now I'll go drown my sorrows in Colonel John Sheppard's witty sarcasm and ice cream. **

Chapter Seventeen: The House That Built Me

BPOV:

"So Jasper, how are your parents doing?" Charlie's voice cut into the kitchen where I was pulling chicken parmesan from the oven. I smiled to myself as Jasper answered and changed the subject to sports. As I tossed a salad together, I listened as my father and Jasper engaged in an animated discussion of rosters and player stats with good natured ribbing.

Jasper and I had decided to surprise Charlie when we drove up for Carlisle and Esme's anniversary when we knocked on the door and Charlie opened it to find me standing there, hand in hand with my ex-boyfriend's brother, his face went pretty much every color in the rainbow. Finally he grabbed me and wrapped me in a hug. When he offered to order pizza or take us out to the diner, I argued that I hadn't mastered as many culinary ventures to eat out. I got to work in the kitchen while Charlie sat at the table and grilled me about life. I knew he was fishing for the story behind my familiarity with Jasper. After an hour of failed plays, he asked Jasper if he wanted to go watch the game.

I was pleased that Jasper was holding his own against my father's obvious testing. I had been a little worried about my father's reaction to my new relationship. When I had left, I was a heartbroken girl whose boyfriend had just cheated on her and best friend had died. Now I was a confident woman who was in a happy, healthy relationship with my best friend's widowed husband –not that he knew that. I set the table and called in the boys, moving things from the counter to the table.

"This smells amazing, Bells," Charlie exclaimed, sitting down.

"Thanks. Has the pizza place been able to expand since I left," I teased.

"Actually, no. Um…" I looked up at the shy, embarrassed tone of my father's voice. His ears and cheeks were bright red. "Sue spends a lot of time here. She cooks for me most of the time." I met Jasper's eyes and he was fighting a smile.

"Oh really? Sue Clearwater?"

"Yeah. She and her kids are over here a lot."

"That's nice of you to have them," I said, purposefully making him squirm. Sweet payback.

"Well, yeah, I mean… Sue and I… we're kind of, um, seeing… each other," he mumbled and I felt my fork slip from my fingers and clatter on my plate.

"As in…dating?" I couldn't keep the disbelief from my voice.

"Yeah, she was going to come over tonight actually. But I texted her and told her you were here." I was touched that my father wanted to spend time with me.

But I _had_ to see this.

"No, Dad, It's okay. Call her and tell her to come."

"Really?" I tried to keep the smile off my face.

"Yeah. I'd love to meet Sue again. See the woman the convinced the self proclaimed eternal bachelor to give up the single life," I teased. He smiled –grinned –and jumped up from the table to call Sue.

"I know where you get it from now," Jasper murmured, moving his chair closer to mine and taking my hand.

"What?"

"Your amazing ability to love so deeply, so fully. Charlie would give his life for Sue. It's the same intensity of feeling that you feel when you look at me, kiss me. It's not a normal intensity for a human being to experience."

"So my superpower is that I can love on a superhuman level? Did you consider the fact that maybe we've just both found wonderful people who bring out the best in us," I quipped, placing a kiss to his cheek. He smiled and rested his forehead against mine.

"I think I'm the lucky one," he whispered before our lips met in a sweet kiss. Our kiss became heated but before we could get carried away, a clearing throat broke us apart. I turned, red faced to see my father staring at us, face equally red and shuffling from foot to foot and trying to avoid eye contact.

"Sue will, uh, be here in about ten minutes," he muttered before turning on his heel and heading to the living room where I heard the sounds of the game start moments before. I looked at Jasper and we both began to snicker quietly. I moved to clear the dishes, dumping Jasper's uneaten food in the trash. He helped me clean up and do the dishes until the doorbell rang a few minutes later. Charlie practically ran to the door and threw it open. I couldn't hear what he was saying but Jasper whispered the conversation to me as it happened and I smiled when I heard him tell Sue he loved her.

They came into the kitchen a few moments later, hand in hand, Charlie blushing and Sue grinning. I did not hesitate before going up and hugging her. She squeezed me tightly before letting go.

"Bella, it has been far too long," she said, squeezing my hand. "Charlie reads me all your letters. I'm glad to hear that Utah has been treating you so well."

"Thank you. I'm so happy to hear that Charlie has had someone looking after him since I left. I was worried he'd live on a steady diet of pizza and diner food," I joked. She laughed while Charlie muttered something about not being completely helpless.

"I know. The man could burn water. I don't know how he survived so long before you came to live with him." I laughed.

"Hey, I'm standing right here," Charlie interjected but I noticed the way his eyes were soft as he looked between Sue and me.

"Sue, this is Jasper Hale, my boyfriend," I said and Jasper took Sue's hand. I watched as her eyes moved between us in speculation before they settled on his and she smiled softly and nodded almost imperceptibly. I felt him relax and we headed into the living room where we began to trade stories and distractedly play games. It was an evening full of fun and a strong sense of family that I hadn't felt in a while. It was strange and refreshing to see my father so happy. With Jasper there, I felt like my family was finally whole. Edward had certainly never been able to befriend my father on a level this intimate or devoid of tension. Jasper and my father were teasing and arguing with each other good naturedly and I felt my heart swell as I watched them interact.

Despite my happiness I could not help but feel a strange sense that this would be the last time I visited my father.

And that thought frightened me.


	18. Feel Again

**Hello lovely people!**

**I just have to laugh because I've replaced my name change author's note with this chapter but I think I got more follows and favorites for that non-chapter than I do for most real ones. Made me laugh. Not you? Okay, I'm just easily entertained. **

**This chapter was hard for me. I've read several chapters with a similar theme in many different fics and I always find them ridiculously cheesy and unbelievable. So I did my best. No judgments.**

**No one guessed where my penname came from correctly (though I am going to have to check out some of these suggestions)! Demon Monkey is what the people call Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones because he's a dwarf and they think he is manipulating the king into being a douche. Little do they know that Joffrey is actually just a douche and Tyrion is trying to save them. Love Tyrion.**

**The song for this chapter is Feel Again by OneRepublic. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously, I'm writing this on a leaf with some bark and uploading it to the web by having a spider read it. That's how it works right?**

Chapter Eighteen: Feel Again

BPOV

I didn't know where we were going. Jasper was keeping it secret. I had woken up this morning in his room at Carlisle and Esme's with a note from him on the pillow next to me telling me he was out and could I be ready to go at ten? I'd been confused to say the least but got ready nonetheless. Now as I hugged his waist, resting my face against his back, I smiled at how happy I felt. I had changed so much from the timid, dependant girl that had moved to Forks years ago. I felt confident and whole now, mature in more than the aspect of taking care of my parents. I had experienced love and loss and I had come through on top, I hadn't let it crush me. Now I had the love of one of the best men that I knew and he knew that I loved him in return. There were no strings attached, no compromises in our relationship.

Jasper grasped my hand in his, intertwining our fingers and it felt like my heart was humming in response. I smiled into his jacket and squeezed his fingers lovingly. He squeezed back briefly before shifting gears and turning us off the highway and onto a small road that wound up the mountain and through the towering pines of the Pacific Northwest. We'd been driving for a half hour and I enjoyed breathing in the moist, fresh air, used to the dry air of the desert. He wouldn't tell me where we were going but I didn't mind just driving with him, holding him and feeling his muscles move beneath me.

After another fifteen minutes of driving, Jasper pulled off into a small parking lot and I climbed off his bike, stretching my stiff legs and back. He smiled, climbing off as well and sweeping me into a dramatic kiss. I laughed and pushed him up and he set me back on my feet where I stumbled for a minute until I steadied.

"So where exactly are we?" He rolled his eyes at the repeated question.

"Somewhere very special. Well, it's about to be," he said cryptically before taking my hand and pulling me to a small overlook. I could see the green-grey-blue ocean stretching out into the horizon until I couldn't see anything else. To both sides the mountains curved down, covered in pines before ending in rocky cliffs for the waves to crash against.

"It's beautiful," I whispered, mesmerized by the beauty of the natural landscape. He turned me, tilting my chin up with his finger.

"It doesn't hold a candle to you," he said softly and I smiled, warmed by his compliment. "Though the beach might come close," he said as an afterthought and I frowned, turning to find the beach. I looked down and froze, my heart pounding in my chest. I felt heat spreading through my body and I smiled, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. On the stretching sand of the beach, someone –and I had a pretty good idea of who –had taken rocks and formed them into words.

_Will you marry me?_

I turned and found Jasper standing right behind me.

"I know that we haven't really discussed our future plans but I've had enough time to think about it and I know for a fact that a future without you isn't even worth considering. I never thought that I would be able to love again, to feel again after Alice. And then you came along. You somehow managed to make my broken heart start to mend; you made my shattered soul attach itself to yours. I know that things haven't been the easiest and I can't promise they will be easy. But I know that the whole world could come crashing down on my and I would be able to survive it as long as you are by my side. You are the most extraordinary, beautiful, amazing, maddening, sassy woman I have ever met and I can't imagine anyone else I would want to spend eternity with." At this point, he kneeled and I felt myself smiling, tears falling slowly down my cheeks. "Will you, Isabella Marie Swan, do me the greatest honor by spending eternity with me as my wife?"

I nodded, unable to get a single word past my constricted throat. He smiled –_grinned_ –and stood, gently wiping my falling tears from my cheek before lifting me up and spinning me around. I laughed and he joined me, his deep voice mixing with mine and bouncing off the mountains and trees around us. He set me down, entwining our fingers before leaning in slowly pressing his lips to mine. I released his hand, throwing my arms around his neck and brushing my lips forcefully over his. He smiled against them and then responded, hands coming down to circle waist and we kissed to the sound of the ocean and my racing heartbeat.

"Did he do it? Did he cry? Did you cry?" Emmett's teasing questions assaulted me almost as soon as the door was open. I rolled my eyes and walked in, Jasper following with my hand firmly encased in his. Carlisle, Esme and Rose were sitting on the couch, turned to face us while Emmett bombarded me with more ridiculous questions.

"Stop, you're ruining the moment," Rose reprimanded and Emmett moved to her side, still grinning. She was grinning also while Carlisle and Esme smiled at each other, hands clasped between them. "Show us the ring," Rose commanded and I moved forward, placing my left hand in front of her and trying to contain the giggles that threatened to escape. The ring was simple but elegant all the same. Silver swirls entwined around a band of tiny diamonds and I felt like it fit perfectly for Jasper and me. He had had it designed and made without any input from me and I felt like that was just another sign that we knew each other so well, that we were so comfortable with one another.

"Oh, I'm just so happy," Esme said, jumping up and hugging me. Carlisle followed behind her, more reserved but just as excited.

"You're going to be my sister," Emmett crowed, sweeping me into a bear hug and dancing me around the room.

"You're crushing me," I wheezed out. He smiled apologetically and set me down, patting my head while I mocked him in the arm, unable to hide my smile. Jasper came forward and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't crush my fiancé," he said, smiling down at me while I grinned, fire racing through my veins. I stood on tiptoe and pulled his face to mine, kissing him sweetly. He brushed his thumb over the ring on my finger and I felt his grip tighten and the fire suddenly burned out of control, consuming my entire being in its delicious warmth.

"Is it too late to object?" I felt Jasper freeze beneath me and I turned slowly, the fire suddenly extinguished like someone had dumped a glacier on it.

"Edward."

**GASP! Dundundun! Sorry to cliffie you. But I got a plan. Don't stress. Well, not too much.**


	19. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

**As always, sorry for the wait. On the plus side, I have the next chapter already written! Yay!**

**The song for this chapter is Slow Dancing In A Burning Room by Tyler Ward. This song is so tragically beautiful. **

**Also, please note that I will soon be starting a vlog with my best friend. That's going to be fun. **

**Connect with me!**

**Twitter: teamdemonmonkey  
>Facebook: teamdemonmonkeyfanfiction<br>Skype: teamdemonmonkey**

**Disclaimer: I own the rights to these characters about as much as I own rights to Jensen Ackles or Misha Collins…. That would be NOT AT ALL.**

Chapter Nineteen: Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

BPOV:

"Edward? What the hell are you doing here?" I didn't try to keep the shock and venom from my voice. He moved into the room and in those few steps, Jasper was in front of me protectively. I placed a hand to his tense arm comfortingly and he smiled sheepishly at me. Unlike the worm in front of me, Jasper recognized that I was strong and independent enough to stand up for myself. I moved forward and his arm moved until it was around my waist, holding my hip comfortingly.

"What do you want, Edward," Jasper growled quietly and Edward's eyes flickered to his in annoyance.

"I'd like to talk to Bella," he said. "Or are you her keeper now?"

"I don't need a keeper," I said heatedly. "Unlike you, Jasper respects me." Edward narrowed his eyes at me.

"Bella, can we… can we speak privately?" He moved forward hopefully but stopped when Emmett growled and planted himself in front of me.

"It's okay, Emmett," I said. "I can handle this." I turned back to Edward. "There is nothing I have to say to you. There is also nothing that I want to hear. If you want to talk to me, you can do it here." He looked around the room uncomfortably.

"I'm so, so sorry for what I did to you. I was so lost in my grief after Alice died, I didn't think you could understand, that you could relate. I didn't realize just how much she meant to you. I should have been there to offer you comfort, as you would have done for me. And I should have been the one to tell you she died. I shouldn't have left Carlisle the responsibility to tell you that your best friend –a sister even –had died." Jasper frowned and I felt my blood chill in my veins as Carlisle stepped forward.

"I hate to interrupt," he said, not looking sorry at all. "But _I_ didn't call Bella to tell her about Alice. I thought you had," he said, looking at Edward.

"I didn't even think of it," Edward admitted. "But you were at the house," he said in confusion, turning to me. "And you knew. You'd been yelling for Alice. Who told you?" I turned to Jasper, my eyes taking in his confused, hurt face before darting down to lock on my feet.

"She called me," I mumbled softly but I knew they heard.

"That's not possible," Jasper said. "She was on the phone with me when she –when it happened. She couldn't have called you unless-" he stopped and I could feel the shock and outrage rolling off of him like an ocean tide.

"Unless she called me first," I whispered, tears forming in my eyes. I could feel it all crashing around me, this beautiful joy that we had found falling and crumbling against me as I desperately tried to hold it together.

"She called you," Carlisle asked blankly. I nodded.

"She told me what was going on. She told me she had to tell me something before she called Jasper. She told me-"

"How could you not tell me about this?" Jasper's pained voice was quiet, broken. "After all this time, why would you keep this a secret?"

"She made me promise," I said through a sob. "It was the last thing she asked me to do and I couldn't betray her."

"So you lied to us? To _me_," he demanded.

"I promised Alice not to tell you. I can't even count how many times I've wanted to tell you, how many times I've woken up at night having relived that phone call over and over."

"Your nightmares… they were about Alice?!"

"She was reminding me that I had to keep my promise/ I've relived that night so many times, I couldn't forget it if I wanted to. And I've come so close to telling you. I had to physically silence myself a thousand times to stop from breaking my promise!"

"You lied to me," Jasper shouted and I flinched back at his words. "You lied to me about my _wife_! You lied even though you knew it was wrong, that it would kill me when I found out!"

"I couldn't have told you! Alice made me promise! What would you have done?"

"I would have been honest," he shouted. The house fell awkwardly silent, still resounding with his raised voice. "All the guilt, the nightmares, I thought it was survivor's guilt. I should have realized that there was more to it. I… I loved you," he whispered brokenly. "I loved you after Alice. And you lied to me. I can't…" He turned and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" He stopped.

"I can't even look at you," he whispered.

"Jasper, you can't… you can't leave. You can't leave me," I sobbed. His eyes met mine before he turned and walked out the door before I knew what was happening.

And just like that, in one easy, inconsequential gesture, my life ended.


	20. Jar Of Hearts

**My wonderful, wonderful readers. I'm back! I had the chapter written but I couldn't find it. Seriously, this is the problem with having several dozen notebooks all with various pieces of my many projects scrawled in them. Bugger. I was somewhat amused by those of you who seemed to think that I wasn't going to continue after the last chapter. You must be new and haven't realized that it takes me a while to update. I am seeing this story to the end. I have to. This is my heart bleeding out words onto the page. I have to give these poor, abused characters some sense of closure. **

**Gasp! How dare Jasper! For those of you who are mad at him for pulling an 'Edward' on our beloved and once broken Bella, don't be. I would do the same thing in his shoes. He just found out that not only was he not the first or only call his dying wife made, but that his new love and fiancé kept it from him. I'd feel pretty ticked and betrayed, too.**

**The song is Jar of Hearts originally by Christina Perri. I used a cover by Beth. Seriously, that's her name. Just Beth. She's actually pretty good.**

**Connect with me!  
>Twitter: teamdemonmonkey<br>Facebook: tdmfanfiction**

**Disclaimer: I own a ridiculous amount of books. I wonder how much trouble I would get into for just copying something from them….**

Chapter Twenty: Jar of Hearts

BPOV:

"Bella." Esme's gentle voice pulled me from the darkness that was quickly trying to engulf me in its icy grip. "It's going to be okay," she offered, wrapping her arms around me.

"I'll go bring him back, Bells. He can't be angry with you for keeping a promise you made to Alice," Emmett promised but I shook my head.

"You can't force him to love me," I whispered. "It's his choice."

"Let me get you a drink of water," Esme said.

"I'll get a blanket," Rose offered before disappearing upstairs.

"I'll try to call Jasper and calm him down," Carlisle said.

"I'll just go… hit something," Emmett muttered before breezing out the door.

"Bella," Edward breathed and I sighed. Grief was overwhelming, familiar, but anger… I could embrace the anger.

"What, Edward? Are you happy? You have ruined everything! But that's what you came here to do, isn't it? You couldn't stand the idea of me being happy, of actually having a life that wasn't controlled by you! You cheated on me and then left me –_again _ –and then when you found out that that I wasn't pining over you, you sped down here to try and regain your control over me! Well, it didn't work, Edward. I'm done with you. I am done with you controlling my life like I don't have a mind or dreams or a will of my own! Congratulations to you, Edward. You have succeeded in breaking my heart once again except this time, it's not you I'm crying over!"

"I wasn't trying to break your heart, Bella. I swear I wasn't! I just wanted a chance to tell you what a horrible mistake I made. I was so wrong, Bella, so wrong. I thought that you couldn't understand how I felt and that Tanya could. I should have known it was a lie, that she was just playing games with me. But I came back to apologize, to tell you that it was all a mistake!"

"I know what a horrible mistake you made! I know that you seriously miscalculated, Edward! You didn't realize what a great thing you had in me, how much you actually gave up. But how could you? You were never interested in my potential, what was bubbling underneath, the promise of someone amazing if only they'd had the chance to grow and develop. But I did. It took me months of self loathing and heartache, but I realized just how wrong you were. I realized I was better off and that _you_ were the one missing out."

"And I never should have let you go," he said but I wasn't going to give him a chance to interrupt with his false platitudes.

"No, you really shouldn't have. But it doesn't matter now because I've realized what a blessing it was that you left. I learned to rock climb and cook and to ballroom dance. I learned to rely on myself and that how great I am isn't conditional on how you or anyone else views me. Because you are nothing. You speak beautiful words but there's no substance to them. You claimed to love me but your actions always told a different story. You swore that life without me wouldn't be worth living but you voluntarily left, twice! You spoke of virtue and honor and being a gentleman but that made no difference when you chose to go and screw around with one of Alice's least favorite people. You are nothing. I'm over you, Edward. Honestly, I wonder what I ever saw in you."

He reacted so fast that I wasn't sure what was happening. One moment he was fuming before me and the next, he was pinning me to the ground, lips attached to my throat and teeth piercing the fragile skin there. Fire burned at the site and spread through me, consuming me in horrifying heat. I could feel him sucking my life away through my neck, the blood rushing from my veins into his mouth.

"No," I hear someone shout through the vicious pounding in my head. I felt Edward's weight lifted off me but the heaviness in my chest, the sluggishness of my will remained. I heard people shouting, voices calling my name but it was muffled, like I was rooms away from them. Blackness pulled me lower and I could feel myself sinking into oblivion. My last thought was of Jasper's face and the heartbreaking realization that our last words before my untimely death were adversarial. Regret consumed me before I was lost to oblivion.


	21. 9 Crimes

**Readers! Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I keep cliffying you. It really isn't anything personal. I write how it comes to me. Again, I would like to remind you all that I AM NOT FINISHED WITH THIS STORY. I am not abandoning it. These chapters are a little difficult since lately I've actually been relatively happy and I don't like to dwell in the negative angst. But that doesn't mean I'm done! Just sit back and be patient, my loves. All will be well.**

**The song for this chapter is 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. It's pretty great. I had a few different songs for this picked out but I liked this one the most.**

**Connect with me! I love hearing from my readers!  
>Twitter: teamdemonmonkey<br>Facebook: teamdemonmonkey fanfiction**

**Disclaimer: I think I might like ten bucks in the bank. Obviously not enough to mean I own any of these blockbuster characters. **

Chapter Twenty One: 9 Crimes

BPOV:

I could hear breathing. The slow and methodic inhaling of several people and the gentle exhale as the air rushed out of their lungs and into the open air. The air was filled with individual scents. Things I had never noticed before. I could smell all of the ingredients in the plaster and paint on the wall, the weave of the carpet. I struggled to remember what was going on. My mind felt faster but as I tried to recall the events that had brought me to this point, it felt foggy, like I couldn't see the memories clearly.

I remembered the pain. It had seemed like it would never end. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it had flared to horrific, unimaginable proportions. Finally the pain had ended and now I was here, breathing in the stale air and trying to remember what it was that I had forgotten. It was important, vitally important. I could feel the significance of it in my bones, but I couldn't place what exactly it was. It had something to do with why I was laying on this bed, listening to the wind blowing through the window in the kitchen two floors down. I wondered if this is what Edward heard.

Edward.

And just like that, it all came rushing back to me. Edward getting angry and attacking me. Someone pulling him off of me and Carlisle rushing in, trying to save me. Edward. I would kill him! I would rip his head off and burn it piece by piece with my bare hands. How could he? How could he take away my options like this, my choices? Didn't he understand that I was over him, that he didn't have any say in my life anymore? When Jasper found out…

_Jasper._

"Jasper." The word wasn't scratchy like I thought it would be. My throat felt like it had been scraped with hot coals but that word escaped with all the finesse and beauty of the most practiced symphony. My eyes flew open but I didn't waste time thinking about the individual fibers of the carpet or the plaster on the wall. My eyes sought out the members of my new family but when I failed to see Jasper's face amongst them, I was on my feet.

"Where is he," I demanded. Rose and Emmett exchanged a heavy look and I focused on them. "Rose, where is he?" She shifted uncomfortably in front of me.

"We've been trying to get a hold of him but he won't answer his phone. I don't know where he's gone." I didn't waste time. One second I was staring Rose down and the next I was out the front door and running. I ran, waiting for the familiar burn in my legs and lungs but it never came. I felt sobs pulling at my chest as I pushed myself as far as I could go, pushing to get home –to Jasper –so that I could apologize, beg him to take me back, to never leave me again. He had to be there. He couldn't be gone. He couldn't have left me for good.

This couldn't be the end.

JPOV

I was an idiot.

How could I have done that? How could I have left Bella, walked away like she meant nothing to me? I'd hurt her beyond a reasonable doubt. And yet, I'd come here, to our cabin, the place we'd been calling home for the brief time we'd been together, hoping, _waiting_ for her to come find me so that I could apologize. I couldn't go back. I couldn't be like Edward and just hurt the poor girl and expect her to take me back. She'd had enough of people hurting her. She deserved better. And yet here I sat, like I had for the past two days, waiting for her to walk through the doors, to tell me that it wasn't hopeless, that we could still be together. I couldn't let this be the end. She had to come.

But she wasn't.

It only took a little over half a day to get from Forks to our cabin. She'd had plenty of time to get here. But she'd hadn't. She hadn't even called. Oh sure, I'd had countless calls from everyone else but I didn't want to listen to them while they berated me. Nothing they could say could possibly compare to what I was already saying about myself. All I wanted was to hear Bella's voice telling me that this wasn't going to be the end of us.

But she hadn't called.

And she hadn't come.

I pulled at my hair and stood up, taking a final look at everything before I shut the door and took off running, seeking refuge from the only people I had left.

BPOV

I burst through the door, Jasper's name falling from my lips as I sped through the house, searching for him desperately. I moved from room to room, his scent filling my head. But he wasn't there. And why would he be? He'd been so disgusted with me when he left that he hadn't even been able to look at me. He'd made it abundantly clear that what I had done was beyond forgiveness. And he was right. I had made that promise to Alice, yes, but the beautiful thing about Jasper and I's relationship was how honest we were with each other. There were no lies, no side conversations at a decibel below my former hearing. We'd loved each other enough to want to spend eternity together.

But now...

I slunk down against the wall and began to sob, again noticing the missing tears that usually accompanied such grief. I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them, calling out Jasper's name in broken moans. He was gone. He wasn't coming back.

And now I had an eternity to lament the loss.


	22. White Blank Page

**Hello my lovelies!**

**As usual, real life continues to throw everything it's got at me. I have to give it brownie points: it hasn't held anything back. But I have survived! So, fear not my little minions! I will triumph and don't worry, you will see a satisfying end to this horrible, angst filled drama that you all seem to love so much. **

**Quick question! Some of my other readers have expressed an interest in merchandise from my stories and such. Things like tshirts, mugs, mouse pads, the usual crap. What are y'all's thoughts? I have the opportunity to make them available but I don't really want to put the effort in if no one cares. I know that if I could advertise for my favorite fics/authors, I'd be ALL over that! I love being a walking advertisement! **

**The song for this chapter is White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons. I just love them.**

**Connect with me!  
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**Disclaimer: You know what I own? A garbage can full of used tissues. Does that include any of the characters that Stephenie Meyer created? That's a no.**

Chapter Twenty Two: White Blank Page

JPOV

It had been exactly one year, two weeks, four days, eleven hours and twenty six seconds since my world ended.

I don't know how Peter and Charlotte lived with me. After I'd shown up on their doorstep consumed with grief and rage, they'd ushered me in. They'd inquired as to my vexation but after a short reply to basically piss off, they let it go. After six months I'd opened up enough to give them a shortened version. Charlotte was all ready to go find Bella and give her a piece of her mind but she felt like maybe there had been mistakes on both our parts. I was still too torn between anger and self-loathing to allow myself to think rationally. Carlisle and Esme had long since given up on calling me. I'd blocked Rosalie's number after she filled my voicemail box.

Life went on.

I spent my days brooding and reading. Peter, Charlotte and I would go hunting –animals while I was with them –and talk about the changes in the world since our bloody time in Maria's army. They tried to provide small simple distractions and while they proved mostly ineffective, I appreciated the effort and the thought behind them. While the emotions I was still deeply engulfed in were still as horrible as that day a year ago, I was finally beginning to see things clearly.

I was far more upset with Alice than I was Bella. Alice had been the one to call her before me. Yes, Bella had chosen to keep that a secret from me despite so many opportunities to share it with me. But ultimately, it was Alice's fault. I felt betrayed and those pesky, maddening what-if scenarios had come back to haunt me. What if Alice had called me? What if Bella had told me at the first opportunity? What if I hadn't walked away from her?

What if this was really the end?

I felt ashamed of my careless and reactionary behavior. I was lonely and confused. I loved Peter and Charlotte more than I could say but they were so happy together. They didn't realize how strong their bond was. I could feel it, the strength and loyalty of it. The devotion was almost heartbreakingly beautiful. And the sense of rightness reminded me of only one person.

Bella.

Where was she? What had she been doing for the past year? Had she already moved on, found someone who wasn't going to hurt her or leave her? Someone better than me. She hadn't ever tried to contact me. I wondered if it was so easy to close the book on me, on us. Did she just take my dismissal as an absolute thing? I wanted to apologize on bended knees and beg her to take me back but I knew I couldn't. If she wanted me, she would have tried to tell me.

But she hadn't.

It stung, to think that she could write me off so easily, to dismiss not only what we had but what our life would have been like together. I could still see the visions of what might have been; Bella and I, together and happy, strong and healed. Life didn't cease to be difficult or trying but somehow, with each other, we made it through the trials and tribulations. We leaned upon each other and in between the tragedies and changing world, we laughed and lived. It was a beautiful idea, a once hoped for future. But no more. I had burned the metaphorical bridge with Bella when I had been unable to look past my own feelings and left her standing in the middle of Carlisle and Esme's living room, heartbroken. I knew there was no redemption for me. I was a demon who had turned his back on an angel. Nothing could save me, no one would try.

My morose thoughts seemed melodramatic and I turned away from the window I had been staring out of aimlessly to survey the house I was currently a long term guest in. Charlotte and Peter didn't set roots down often but this was one of the few permanent residences they had acquired over the time away from Maria. It was quiet and set away from population. They resided here about six months out of the year and spent the rest of the time living a nomadic life. It was difficult for them to put down roots that were too permanent; their diet made them conspicuous. But when I came to stay, we would help maintain some of the wildlife populations. I know that they preferred their normal diet and we often had friendly arguments over the benefits of my diet compared to theirs. But looking at this little house, you would never guess the occupants preyed on humans to survive.

Charlotte had decorated with lots of warm colors and small sayings that had made an impact on the lives of the couple over time. I read some of them, taking it all in with no small amount of skepticism and cynicism. Where I might have once seen the beauty in some of the quotes, I certainly could not now, in my dark and depressed state. It was almost as bad as when Alice died. At least then I had known that there was a chance my life could continue. I was an idiot to think that I would get the opportunity to love such wonderfully passionate and amazing partners as Bella and Alice again. I warred with myself every time I read some of the passages. They weren't by any means all of them romantic. There was Civil War quotes, humorous anecdotes and inspirational imagery. The romantic tidbits made me scoff. I puzzled over one that Charlotte had added since my last visit to the untamed wilds of their North Dakota home.

_Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. –Lao Tzu_

I laughed bitterly. If this was to be believed then I was the weakest creature to know existence. I had no strength, no one to love me deeply and wholly. And though I still deeply loved Bella, ached for her in the core of my being, I was a coward. I held no bravery in my heart. Had I possessed some level of courage and nerve, I might have gone back to Forks to discover for myself what had happened to my love after I left her standing alone in a room filled with people who cared for her as I refused to. There was the surest possibility that I would not care for the answer I would find but it would be an answer nonetheless and I could inevitably go on loathing myself to the end of eternity. But I could not.

And so I sat in my misery, wallowing in self pity and terrible but beautiful daydreams of what my life could have been like if I hadn't been such a moron.


	23. Keep Breathing

**Hello? **

**I know ya'll get tired of hearing about how I'm sorry and real life took over but sadly, **_**c'est la vie**_**. This chapter was so, so hard to write. I ended up trying and spending four hours on the phone bawling about everything in my life that was stressing me out to clear the block. Not my most attractive hour.**

**Anyways, here's the new one. Still angsty, so sorry (I'm not sorry). Be happy though, things are looking up!**

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**The song for this chapter is Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson. Originally, it was supposed to be for the chapter where she wakes up. That changed.**

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**Disclaimer: I recently acquired some cookie dough Oreos. I still don't own Stephenie Meyer's characters or I might have been able to get some cake batter ones as well. **

Chapter Twenty Three: Keep Breathing

BPOV

I couldn't take this anymore.

Eternal life sucked.

I punched my fist into the soft soil of Esme's flower garden and dropped a bulb in. I was halfway around the house by now but my thoughts were filled not with the expectations of beautiful blooms or gestational periods. My thoughts were consumed with my unhappiness. While I loved the Cullens more than I could say, I was lonelier surrounded by my new makeshift family than I had been when I was alone at the cabin. I knew they were still making a valiant effort to make me feel loved after their son had tried to kill me and ended up changing me. That had been about as fun as a bag of cats. Emmett had nearly killed Edward. Carlisle stopped him but pretty much banished Edward from ever showing his face here again or all bets were off. He told him he could choose where to go but it was clearly implied that he was out of the family.

Meanwhile I had spent the last year learning how to be a member of the eternally dead. I struggled with it at first, not because of any crazy bloodlust, but because I had to watch my parents 'bury' me. I watched my father struggle through his job and almost take up alcoholism without being able to do anything. This was the pain that I had been warned about, the never ending misery of watching everyone you love suffer and die without ever acknowledging them. The Cullens had been so very generous with my family. They checked up on him; Carlisle would take him out for a beer, Esme made him dinner and cleaned the house. I appreciated the compassion and effort they showed him but it wasn't the same: he wasn't the same.

My mom had Phil, which was a comfort of sorts, but Emmett and Rosalie had taken it upon themselves to take some of my things back to my mom and they reported that even though she wasn't alone, she seemed lost. I wasn't really surprised, having been my mother's memory and brain for as long as I could remember, but the knowledge brought me no comfort. I did the only thing I could given the circumstances and turned to meaningless pastimes to distract me. I learned every language I had ever heard and some that I hadn't. I read every book in Carlisle's library plus some. I visited Italy and showed the Volturi that I was indeed immortal, politely refusing their invitation to join the Army of the Dead. I gardened with Esme, I danced with Carlisle. I made half the meals that Esme took to my father and the other basket cases in town. I learned how to fix cars with Rosalie and I visited Alice's grave everyday and talked to her about life in general, usually avoiding the subject of her husband.

It was a monotonous, repetitious façade of living. And I was tired.

I missed Jasper.

I hated to say it, hated to admit that even after he had turned his back on me I was still in love with him.

"_I can't even look at you_."

He hadn't ever tried to make contact. Carlisle and Esme had given up at my request but Rosalie had refused, attempting to call him until she too finally admitted that she couldn't reach him. I didn't blame him for refusing to answer and I never tried calling him myself. I couldn't beg him. I couldn't hear the inevitable rejection that would follow. So I threw myself into my useless projects, always feeling the hollowness in my chest where my absent heart should have resided, taken captive by a man that held no interest in me anymore.

"Hey, Bells," Emmett said, walking around the side of the house to stand over me.

"Hey Em. Did you finally beat your high score?" He shrugged.

"My heart wasn't in the game today. Want to go for a walk?" I looked up at him, sensing what had inspired this 'walk'. But Emmett had been my greatest supporter, the big brother I needed since my life fell apart and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy spending time with him in our own little bubble.

"Okay," I said quietly, dusting my hands off and standing up. We walked slowly around the perimeter of the trees.

"Bella, you know I love you," Emmett started and I braced myself for what was coming.

"Sure, Emmett. I love you too."

"Well, who wouldn't," he asked pompously and I laughed, grateful for his attempts to loosen me up.

"Anyone with a brain," I retorted and he grabbed his chest in mock pain.

"You wound me," he gasped. We chuckled and walked before he cleared his throat. "I know you're not over Jasper," he said finally and I felt the pain begin to run through my body, burning and freezing me all at once.

"What makes you say that," I said quietly.

"I follow you sometimes, when you go out into the woods at night. I hear you crying and destroying things. And I don't buy this sudden interest in everything for one minute, Bells. I know what you're trying to do. But it's not working, is it? He won't go away, will he?" I sighed, feeling the beginning of sobs and still noting the absence of tears.

"No," I choked out. "I keep thinking that the more time that passes, the easier it will get. I start every morning thinking that today will be the day that I won't miss him as much, I won't think about him as often, I won't feel as sad. And every day it's the same. His absence is a constant emptiness in my chest, his betrayal a sting in my thoughts. I hate myself to missing him, for wanting him here and then I hate myself more for still blaming myself. It's a never ending cycle of misery." He stared at me as I let everything that I had been trying so desperately to hide for the last year come pouring out. He pulled me into his arms and held me while I sobbed tearlessly into his chest, rubbing soothing circles on my back and murmuring in my ear, the way Jasper used to but without the effectiveness of my lost love.

"I'm going to make this right," he said after a few moments.

"It's too late, Em. He doesn't want me," I whispered, finally stilling. Emmett pulled away and held me at arm's length. His eyes were hard with determination and his face was set.

"I'm going to make this right," he vowed solemnly. Then he kissed my forehead and ran off. A few minutes later, I heard the rev of the Jeep's engine coming to life and the crunch of gravel under the tires as he tore out of the garage and down the drive to the highway. I stared at the tree line and thought about Emmett's mission but instead of being filled with hope, I felt a new gloom take over me. I had no faith that this endeavor had a chance at success.

It was just too late.


End file.
